By Sean Tuohy
Happy Birthday America! Another year older, another year wiser (Okay, maybe not wiser).
Our beloved nation celebrates its birthday this weekend. All over the nation, people will be enjoying fireworks, beer, and fatty food, but we cannot forget where we came from. We were once just a band of tough-talking, idealists hellbent on changing the course of history forever.
The American Revolution started and was settled with gunfire and bloodshed, but, thanks to the Founders that knew how to wield a quill, it was fueled by the most eloquently phrased "fuck yous" in recorded history.
So this July 4th, we honor those colonial badass writers who risked their heads to kick out the Brits.
Thomas Jefferson
He wrote a little document called The Declaration of Independence. It's essentially a laundry list of reasons why King George III is a douche. The actual Declaration is now cased in a special glass that protects it from bullets, fires, and bombs, and lowers into a bunker in the case of full out nuclear war.
Ben Franklin
Ben Franklin was like a grandfather/older brother to the rest of the Founding Fathers. During his lifetime, Franklin wrote some of the most inspring and truthful writing of his era. Also, he penned his own dictionary. He also slept with a lot of women. A lot of women. He also made a cameo in "The Office."
John Adams
John Adams was one of those Founding Fathers that had his hands in everything. He spent much of the Revolution petitioning European governments for money while Ben Franklin slept with a lot of women. He was the first Vice-President and second President. He also burned through quite a few quills in his day writing two lifetimes worth of letters to Thomas Jefferson (after the two friends reconciled following Jefferson's besmirching of Adams' reputation) and his beloved wife Abigail.
Alexander Hamilton
Alexander Hamilton is arguably the most badass writers on this list. He established himself in the colonial elite after escaping a poor childhood in the Caribbean and helped shape the fledging U.S. government following the Constitutional Convention. Hamilton put together a banking system in the face of negative public opinion and was a constant supporter of a strong central government. He also once wrote a pamphlet detailing and apologizing for an affair that James Madison and James Monroe brought to light. He was prolific as a writer right up to the point...where he was shot and killed by everyone's favorite lunatic Vice-President Aaron Burr. See the above clip in case you need further evidence Hamilton was a complete badass.