By Hassel Velasco
I woke up to an unfamiliar view outside my window. Los Angeles has graced me with what seems like 360 days of sunshine, however, today is one of those sunshine-less days (be jealous East Coast). It’s like the city knew of the oncoming storm of rich and famous people giving each other awards for being rich and famous. On Hollywood Boulevard later on tonight during the Academy Awards, the Hollywood elite will unite under cloudy skies because even the weather is tired of their bullshit perfect Los Angeles weather, but I digress. To hold you over the almost four-hour program, I decided to put together a drinking game that will surely have you making poor decisions before the Foreign Film Category.
So here we go, as always, drink responsibly and if you need a ride home, Sean and Dan are somewhere in the Northeast.
You should look like this midway through the Oscars.
DRINK!
- Every time Neil Patrick Harris awkwardly laughs or giggles.
- Every time Ellen is referenced to from last year’s show.
- Every time they show the Academy Awards title card.
- Every time a presenter has trouble reading the teleprompter.
- If Chris Pratt and Chris Evans present together.
- Every time Meryl Streep is mentioned.
- Once for every time Leo DiCaprio has been nominated but lost.
- Every time “50 Shades of Grey” is mentioned.
- Every time bondage and or BDSM is mentioned.
- Every time they cut to a black actor after a mention of “Selma.
- Every time the “Boyhood” filming process is mentioned.
- Every time the "American Sniper" plastic baby is mentioned.
- Every category “Interstellar” has not been nominated in.
- When someone other than Meryl Streep wins.
- Every time someone gets played off.
- Every time someone “wasn’t expecting this…” #GTFO
- Whenever Wes Anderson looks awkward as fuck.
FINISH YOUR DRINK!
- If Neil Patrick Harris breaks into song.
- If Eddie Redmayne wins.
- If Julianne Moore wins.
- If Just Keep (aka J.K.) Simmons wins.
- If Patricia Arquette wins.
- If “Big Hero 6” wins.
- If “The Imitation Game” wins best picture.
- During that awkward president of the Academy speech.
- If someone falls. Please god, let someone fall.
DO NOT DRINK!
- During the In Memoriam segment, you insensitive asshole.
POUR SOME OF YOUR DRINK ON THE GROUND!
- During the In Memoriam segment. For your dead homies.
Drink away everyone! It will help you forget about the income gap between that room and yours. Cheers!