The Bearded Oscars: Recapping the 2014 Academy Awards

Daniel Ford wasn’t the only one who watched the Oscars on Sunday night. Enjoy Hassel Velasco’s rant-free recap of the evening’s events. 

A grown bearded man sits sobbing uncontrollably as his recording of the 86th annual Academy Awards has stopped before Ellen DeGeneres introduced Angelina Jolie and Sidney Poitier. His cat looks at him as if to say, "look at his sobbing bitch ass!" His tears are flowing like the River Kwai. 

This was my Sunday night.

For several minutes, the worst-case scenario ran through my mind. I would have to read about the winners of the last awards of the night on the Internet. The internet, I say! How devastating.

My cat George Michael (named after Michael Cera's character in “Arrested Development”) was the only one who could console me...and he found a certain corner of the room a more pressing issue than me because he hates me.

Living in Los Angeles with a full-time job kept me from watching the ceremony live. I recorded the show and began watching at about 7:45 PST (10:45 EST). Ellen was absolutely “Philomena,” whoops, I meant phenomenal. Her dry and subtle sense of humor kept the night interesting, and she quickly reminded me why I loved the ceremony she hosted seven years ago. I mean come on, she ordered pizza during the show and even brought the delivery guy on stage. Not to mention she broke the Internet with a selfie that made Daniel Ford’s head explode. With every year and new host, we come closer and closer to forgetting that James Franco ever hosted one of these.

Once the ball got rolling, we were treated to a very entertaining show. The biggest winner of the night was probably the American space program. Seriously America, why did we decide to cut that budget? "Gravity" walked away with seven Academy Awards including best director Alfonso Cuaron for creating a visually stunning film.

"Dallas Buyers Club" and "12 Years a Slave" followed with three awards each. Jared Leto let the world know he can do more than whine into a microphone in front of screaming teenagers. His acceptance speech ran twice as long as the allowed 45 seconds, but the guy made some very good points about a shaky world in Venezuela and Ukraine.

Hey! Who thought the guy that made "Sahara" would beat out Leonardo DiCaprio for an Oscar? Crazy right? It was a well-deserved win for Matthew McConaughey, however I will admit I was rooting for Chiwetel Ejiofor. Have you seen his performance? Sorry Leo, the two aforementioned actors made it practically impossible for you to win.

Can we take a second to talk about Lupita Nyong'o? She's amazing beautiful and she looks like what I can only imagine heaven feels like. I bet she smells good too (restraining order pending). She won for best supporting actress, and she also stole everyone's heart with her acceptance speech.

Cate Blanchett won best actress for her role in Woody Allen's "Blue Jasmine." She beat out a category filled with power hitters. John Ridley won for his adaptation of "12 Years a Slave" and best original screenplay went to Spike Jonze and the inevitable future that is "Her." "Frozen" took two awards including best song, which in return gave us another EGOT winner in Robert Lopez (Tracy Jordan, eat your heart out!). Idina Menzel performed "Let It Go" and Pharrell performed "Happy…" I think, he might have also been selling jeans for Old Navy.

The biggest award of the night went to "12 Years a Slave." It's a great film and a gripping look at a very dark time in our history. Director Steve McQueen was literally hopping in celebration of the win, and to quote him "Everyone deserves not just to survive, but to live. This is the most important legacy of Solomon Northup." #allofthefeels

It was a fantastic 86th showing of the Oscars. Hey Hollywood, same time next year? My shot for shot remake of Jurassic Park using giraffes should be done and should be a no-brainer next year. #girafficpark (for your consideration).

As the grown bearded man sobs in the fetal position, he flips through the recorded shows on his DVR. A twinkle in his eye, he abruptly sits up, points the remote at the television and presses play. The Oscars after show recorded. The last 30 minutes of the show recorded. All is good with life. The cat still hates him. 

A full list of all the winners can be found at oscar.go.com. 

The 2014 Academy Awards Telecast Shows No Love to Writers

By Daniel Ford

…or viewers for that matter.

Every year, I use the Oscars telecast as an excuse to wear a suit and tie, drink decent scotch, and beam out snark to a handful of Twitter followers (Check out Writer’s Bone’s Twitter feed for our favorites from last night).

While there were some wonderfully sweet (Bill Murray taking a moment to honor Harold Ramis (and then apologizing for interrupting like a gentleman) and weird moments (Kim Novak (channeling The Yellow King), there was a certain lack of…appreciation for the things that matter most (no, it was not movie heroes). Specifically, there didn’t seem to be an appreciation for the screenwriters who gave all of those actors and actresses something worthwhile to say while fervently hoping to win a shiny gold statue.

I was not alone in noticing this trend:

Was it me or did ANOTHER producer and director FAIL to thank the effiing WRITER. #TheOscars

— Doug Richardson (@byDougRich) March 3, 2014

Writer’s Bone essayist Dave Pezza pointed out that many of the films that were nominated were based off of excellent source material, but the authors of those books weren’t given proper credit (with the exception of Best Picture winner “12 Years A Slave” whose producers and cast gave proper respect to Solomon Northup).

I was excited to get to the adapted and original screenplay categories, for obvious reasons, and the fact at that point I wanted Ellen DeGeneres to throw a hot pizza in my face so I could feel something again.

And then Robert De Niro stepped to the microphone. Here’s what he said:

“The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing. Isolated, neurotic, caffeine-addled, crippled by procrastination and consumed by feelings of panic, self-loathing, and soul-crushing inadequacy. And that’s on a good day.”

What the fuck??? I mean, what the fuck? Seriously, what in the holy fucks of fuck?

You know what the worst part is. That was written by a writer! A writer who thought that would get a laugh! Someone on the Oscars writing team wanted to put those words into a movie star’s mouth and broadcast them to millions of viewers. De Niro also couldn’t have been happier to deliver those lines—which is more than we can say for the lines he’s delivered in some of his recent movies. Each word escaped his lips joyously like chocolate-flavored battery acid.

We're beginning to think the script for the #Oscars looks like a Mad Libs page. Example: This show ______-ing ______ huge _____. #Oscars

— Writer's Bone (@WritersBone) March 3, 2014

Listen, writers can be easy targets, I get it. But writers are a lot of other things too. Writers are hard-working, dedicated, passionate, and are consumed with the same desire to entertain and enthrall viewers that actors and directors have. They are certainly more capable of attracting a viable audience than a cheap, exploitive selfie (#dontretweetcannedgarbage).

If the Academy wants people to care more about their awards, they need to employ writers who think more of themselves than the ones on display last night. It would be great if they could find someone that has interacted with an actual human being more recently than 1999.

And you know where a lot of those writers are, Hollywood? Writing great television shows like “True Detective.” Writers who are writing about broken, neurotic, and crippled human beings instead of living out a lame, uninspired stereotype.

Go find some talented writers ASAP or you can enjoy your sad, lonely, boring plunge into irrelevance.