Batman

A Semi-Serious, Somewhat Coherent, Completely Subjective List of the Best Sidekicks of All Time

Superman's true right-hand man.

Superman's true right-hand man.

By Sean Tuohy and Daniel Ford

Kids don’t want to be Alfred when they grow up. They want to be Batman. Why aspire to be Chewbacca when you can be the much less hairy Han Solo who gets to kiss one of only two women in the entire galaxy?

It’s fucking tough being the sidekick.

You arguably do all the hero’s dirty work and get none of the glory or reward. How good of a detective is Batman without his butler and Barbara Gordon’s computer know-how? If Superman is a god, than why does he bother keeping Lois and Jimmy around? Because they need help like everyone else.

Here are a bunch of sidekicks Sean and Daniel came up with that they feel need more recognition. Feel free to share your own underrated sidekicks in the comments section or tweet us @WritersBone.

Einstein From “Back to the Future”

Einstein was loyal, he allowed himself to be put in the time machine, and when Marty and Doc were attacked, he warned them about it.

Alfred Pennyworth From “Batman: The Animated Series”

Alfred Pennyworth has been the gold standard for loyal sidekicks. However, while he was still Bruce Wayne/Batman’s steadfast butler in “Batman: The Animated Series,” he was also a huge dick. He had a snide comment for everything Bruce Wayne said. He was going to do his duty and take care of his lunatic charge, but he was going to be good and snarky while doing it! (Sean add fact about Joker)

Oracle From “Batman” Comic Book Series

One could argue that Barbara Gordon is more valuable than Alfred, and certainly more badass. She starts out as Batgirl, gets shot through the spine by the Joker in "The Killing Joke," and then becomes Batman’s savvy computer/code breaker goddess Oracle. Image with caption

Barbara Gordon would get up from this moment and continue being a badass sidekick. Robin...not so much.

All of John McClane’s Sidekicks From the “Die Hard” Series

Before he became a superhero in the most recent films, John McClane needed a lot of help to defeat the bad guys. In the first two films, it was the dad from “Family Matters” who carried McClane over the finish line. “Die Hard With a Vengeance” featured Samuel L Jackson as a sidekick that started out viscerally hating the hero.

Chewbacca From “Star Wars” Trilogy

Chewie is another loyal lieutenant to a colossal, reckless prick. He suffers a ton of insults (“walking carpet”—fuck you, Leia) while keeping his friends safe largely through others fear he’ll rip their arms off. Chewbacca reuniting with Han in “Return of the Jedi” is a real tearjerker moment.

Winston From “Ghostbusters”

Winston Zeddemore wasn’t part of the original “Ghostbusters” trio and didn’t completely buy into what Peter, Ray, and Egon were doing. However, he earned his paycheck and delivered some classic lines in the process. He also provided everyone with the answer to the question,“Are you a god?”

April O’Neil From “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”

Not only did April O’Neil buy the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a bunch of pizza and let them hang out at her apartment, but she was also a hard news journalist that looked smashing in a yellow trench coat. She also got kidnapped a lot so the green guys would have something to do. You’re welcome, fellas.

Jonathan Mardukas From “Midnight Run”

Jonathan Mardukas is a weasel, but at least he’s a helpful one. Robert De Niro’s bounty hunter would be in even more trouble without Charles Grodin’s quick-thinking character. Plus, there might not be a funnier exchange in the movie than this one (and that is saying something):

Mardukas: “You seen any suspicious characters around here?”

Creepy regular at the bar: “Nope.”

Mardukas: “Do you live around here?”

The Kid From “Dick Tracy”

Any sidekick that eats this much has to be included on any list Sean and Daniel come up with. The Kid also ends up taking Dick Tracy’s name which is a nice touch.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Scooby Gang

Daniel is an unabashed fan of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” He couldn’t pick just one from Buffy’s self-proclaimed “Scooby gang,” so we’re making him include this video to shame him.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

This pair is arguably the most symbiotic duo in movie history. Butch’s quips and bullets wouldn’t be so biting without Sundance’s dry responses, and Sundance wouldn’t jump off the cliff without Butch. It’s the rare case of the two heroes also being perfect sidekicks.

The Pimp From “Superman II”

Superman really needed that extra boost of confidence right before he saved Lois Lane.

For posts from The Boneyard, check out our full archive.

The Boneyard: How Writer's Bone Would Fix Gotham City

The Boneyard features the best of Daniel and Sean’s daily email chain twice a week. Yes, we broadened the definition of “best” to make this happen. 

Daniel: During a recent podcast recording session, Sean went on a little bit of a rant about Bruce Wayne and Batman. Listen to him argue his case on why Bruce Wayne should fake his own death so Batman can get more done:

The best part about this clip is that it incited a #nerdoff between me, Sean, and Writer’s Bone contributor Dave Pezza. Over/under on the word count of installment of The Boneyard: 3,000.

Dave: Bruce Wayne could do more as Bruce Wayne than as Batman. Wayne could literally hire and train a whole new non-corrupt police force. The best non-superpower wielding super hero could do waaaaay more as a philanthropist than Batman could ever do by putting one single bad guy away at a time, which never works anyway because Gotham prison has a breakout every year.

Sean: Dave has a valid point but I still don't agree. Bruce Wayne could buy a lot of things to help the city of Gotham, but that would never change anything. Bring in a new police force and they will become corrupt regardless what you pay them. Batman is more than a crime fighter, he is a symbol. He lets the people of Gotham know that no matter how bad things get, there will always be someone there to protect them. The Bat signal shines in the skies above Gotham warning the crime element that their evil deeds will be punished. Bruce Wayne, regardless of how much money he has and what he does with it, will always be a man. Men come and go, they die and crumble, but a symbol lives forever.

Daniel: My thing is that Batman is more human than any other superhero because he actually is human. Yes, he's a symbol, but men can be symbols too. That can happen even after they’re dead, much like they tried to make Harvey Dent in the recent trilogy. I don't know if Batman has superpowers like Superman his symbol means as much. I think part of what people like about Batman is that he's one of them, rather than an alien or mutant. The Bat signal is effective because people feel like there is a person out there who isn't corrupt protecting them. I think his humanity matters more than you think. And I think Bruce Wayne keeps him grounded in the real world. Think about how brooding Batman is already. If that's all he is, he might actually blow his brains out or end up in Arkham.

That being said, I agree with your point that Bruce Wayne essentially buying a new system for the city isn't that realistic.

Dave: I would disagree. He creates a symbol to rally a city around a vigilante. Batman just assumes that the city is too broken to fix, so he decides that he can fix it one criminal at a time. False. Gotham city doesn't need another person operating outside the law. It needs sound investors. It needs new infrastructure. It needs Woodwards and Bernsteins. It needs money to be literally thrown at it. “Why does Batman need Bruce Wayne” should not be the question. The question should be, “why does Bruce Wayne need Batman?” Why does Bruce Wayne dress up and get the shit beat out of him just to prove a point and fight a personal battle? He could prove it better bankrolling an ailing city and getting involved in proper politics and political change.

Batman first appeared in Detective Comics in 1939, a year after Superman, as a grittier more human superhero. Obviously, he was a response the monopolistic Superman, but his eventual story showed how broken the U.S. economy had become. It was a mirror to how badly the country had sunk financially and criminally ran rampant, i.e. the Great Depression and Al Capone. Batman's metaphor actually fits our contemporary model better. An American billionaire should use his money to fix a failed American city and give back to the roots that made him, but not as Batman. We need a less vengeful and more fiscally responsible Bruce Wayne. We need a corporation not to hide funds to bankroll a vigilante but to give back to the city by not investing overseas, creating new jobs, and supporting non-corrupt politicians. Gotham, in actuality, needs Wayne Enterprises to cut the city a check like J.P. Morgan did in 1895 for the U.S. Why not invest in a better city than kick the shit out of an old one?

Daniel: I'm slow clapping over here. Nicely done.

Dave: Also, and this is partially borrowed from Cracked.com, Superman is quite different when it comes to disguises. Superman is not a masked alter ego like Batman is for Bruce. Bruce Wayne hides his identity as Batman, however Superman hides his identity as Clark Kent. Clark Kent is a fiction made by Superman to hide his real Kryptonian identity. I am sure there is a metaphor about humanity's inability to accept change or something, but I'm too tired from the Batman post to flesh that out.

For the record, I love Batman. He is by far the most interesting and badass DC superhero. I just like to argue.

Daniel: There are times when I get really into Batman, and there are other times I can't. My favorite is the Batman in Frank Miller's "The Dark Knight Returns." Everything felt right about the character in that comic. The stakes were higher, it wasn't completely gritty, and there was an epic fight with Superman who had turned into a lackey (which is totally possible; which may be one reason Clark Kent remains a journalist. He wants to stay a little bit cynical). I don't mean to say that the stakes aren't always high considering that Gotham has the most realistic set of problems in the DC universe, but nothing elevates stakes like the gunslinger going after one last bad guy. I can't help but think of “High Noon” whenever I re-read that comic.

Sean: You know what, Dave is right.

I can’t think of an argument against the fact that if there was more investment in Gotham that would lessen the street crime. Andrew Carnegie even said that a man spends half his life gathering wealth and then the second half giving the wealth back. Dave made me think of another good point. Why didn't Bruce ever get help after his parents were murdered? Did he ever seek medical attention after witnessing his parents being murdered? Or did Alfred just handle it how I would handle someone asking, "Who wants pie?"

Since we are talking about heroes, who do you think is the best anti-hero? Not just within comics, but in movies, television, comics, and books. Who do you think best defines the anti-hero?

Dave: Oh man, Punisher all the way. He’s the quintessential anti-hero. Ex-cop goes all rogue murder spree after his family gets massacre. You can't blame him, but he is still going around messing people's shit up. Granted those people are raping murderous thugs, but still.

Sean: Agreed. Frank Castle has to be the best anti-hero. The whole Garth Ennis run was awesome. I know people hated the first Punisher movie, but the major issue I saw with it was that the location was all wrong. Tampa? Castle has to be in New York City or somewhere urban. Otherwise, and the fact that it was PG-13, that was a good Punisher movie. A close second to the Punisher would be Snake Plissken from Escape from New York.

Daniel: I actually like the first Punisher movie as well. Mickey Mantle did a serviceable job as the wounded lead character and, hey, any movie that has John Travolta being dragged across a parking lot while he's on fire is a great one. There are so many fictional characters that are great anti-heroes, Tony Soprano, Andy Sipowitz, Dexter, Hannibal Lecter, the Dude, Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver.

My personal favorite might have to be Michael Corleone in the Godfather movies. His arc gets more tragic every time I watch the films (which is often). He starts out as a war hero with a young girlfriend, and then he's sucked into his family's criminal world somewhat reluctantly. You start to see him embracing the darker side of his persona when he kills the police officer in the Italian restaurant. But it hides it by seeming to be really happy on the lame in Italy. A naked Apollonia helps I'm sure. Once she blows up, I think he's 100% evil. It just clicks. It's all about power and his family. For me, the most haunting scene with him isn't when he kills Fredo. It's when he slams the door in Diane Keaton's face when she comes to visit her kids unannounced. He was shunning her because she had an abortion. Keaton's face when he nonchalantly pushes the door closed is heartbreaking. It's a great moment where you think "why exactly am I rooting for this guy to stay alive?" And then he kills his brother. At least you know he'll be haunted more by that than by anything Kay did. His heart was never really with Kay. Family man Michael wasn't his true character. He was a bad guy at his core and I think he would have been led to it no matter what. I could go on, but I think I've made some kind of a point.

While perusing the Internet to narrow down my pick, an intriguing name popped up that makes a strong argument for a real-life anti-hero: Mark Zuckerberg. Maybe he doesn't have the characteristics of a classic anti-hero, but he may be this generation's real-life version of one. You're not going to see guys like Hunter S. Thompson take that mantle like they once did. Do you think the Millennial generation might get tired of the anti-hero trend and explore other fictional pasts, or do you think that it reflects society overall too much to deviate any time soon?

Sean: This was an awesome short they made a couple years back. It's awesome and really showcased that Thomas Jane could play this part.

I would have never thought of Michael Corleone. I know there is a cut scene where Michael returns to the U.S. and he finds the bodyguard who planted the bomb and kills him. There is a picture of it somewhere, and it shows Michael holding a double barrel shotgun at the hip. It showed how he went full dark side. One thing that they didn’t mention in the movie was the fact that Sonny was really well hung. They hint at it, but it's not brought up. Then again, I don't know how you could bring that up in a movie, no pun intended. The anti-hero, in one shape or another, will always be with us. The anti-hero is a reflection of the darker side of humanity.

Mark? Really? Does he count as an anti-hero? Hmmm, he did do things his way. I don't know if he counts.

Daniel: Well, there is the scene early in the first Godfather where Sonny is plowing one of the bridesmaids. I think it's implied. The bridesmaid actually has Sonny's kid who turns out to be Andy Garcia's character in Godfather III.

Yeah, I agree on what you said about Mark, but really, who else is there. Mark Cuban the basketball owner? The owner of the Brooklyn Nets who spends his time globetrotting and banging supermodels? Snowden? Snowden is an interesting case. I don't think I'm as inclined to support what he did now as opposed to when I was in college because I think he leaked all that stuff for motives that we're wholly patriotic. If they were, I think he'd stand up in court and be a badass instead of running away. Easy for me to say since I'm not the one that would spend time in prison. But you also don't keep lobing grenades into the whole you made. Leak it all out at once and get it out there. Anyway, yeah, I don't know about real-life anti-heroes. I think being human means that all heroes are flawed, and it's tough to even define what a hero is.

Dave: Our generation replaced cowboys, the original U.S. pseudo anti-hero, with bad guys cast as protagonists. I'd like to see us get back to the real old school western anti-heroes, like Eastwood in the “Man With No Name” trilogy. Millennials have mistaken gritty characters who struggle with their own morality in the wake of their actions with "bad guys" who simply accept the villainy free of an appropriately written conscience.

Daniel: Grimly nodding. Why can't anyone get Westerns right anymore? Did every see "Unforgiven" and say, "Well, that's it. It's over." Instead we get fighting robots in "Pacific Rim." Are movies like that this generation's Westerns? Or have superhero movies replaced Westerns and war movies?

There are no good answers to these questions. That bums me out.

For posts from The Boneyard, check out our full archive.

The Boneyard: What Fictional Character Would You Invite to Your Birthday Party When You Were 5 Years Old?

The Boneyard will feature the best of Daniel and Sean’s daily email chain twice a week. Yes, we broadened the definition of “best” to make this happen.

Daniel: If you could have had any fictional character show up to your birthday party when you were 5 years old, who would it be and why?

Sean: I have so many different ideas running through my mind right now. I would say Batman, but I feel the second he sees my parents he would get really upset. 

Daniel: My first instinct was Superman, but I started to think of all the fictional characters I loved at that age. There would have been way too many choices for my 5-year-old brain to process. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the Berenstain Bears, Winnie the Pooh, and Marty McFly from “Back to the Future” would have all been welcome at my birthday bash. However, someone would have had to pick up the mess from my brain splattering across my living room. There isn’t enough scotch guard in the world that would have withstood the amount of times I would have pissed myself if any of them would have shown up (or, you know, existed in the real world).

The choice would have been impossible after I started reading at the breakfast table. I read Garfield anthologies religiously, so I could have easily imagined how cool it would be if the fat, orange cat was cracking wise while torturing my black Lab during one of my birthday parties. I would have even made my mother make me a lasagna-inspired birthday cake. I also read a lot of condensed, illustrated novels like Treasure Island and Robin Hood, so one birthday could have had a pirate/archery theme. And I think the Boxcar Children would have made strong candidates because I read them quite a bit while I was on a Rice Krispies Treats cereal kick. The sugar high mixed with kids having adventures on their own may have made my decision for me.

However, I wore a Superman cape from birth until yesterday, so he’d still probably be at the top of my invite list. And as “I Love Lucy” taught us, he’s available!

Sean: What a minute, are you saying the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the Bernstein Bears, Winnie the Pooh, and Marty McFly are not real?

Nooooooooooooo!

I agree on your list, but I would add in the Ghostbusters as well. If they have pulled up in front of the house in the Ecto-1 I would have wet myself. Dan Ford style.

It is odd that as adults—sadly, that is what we are now—that we still believe in these worlds. I mean, “Ghostbusters” still feels real to me. That world of ghost hunting, wisecracking, and demons still feels real to me that at any moment I believe I could look to my left and see the Echo-1 racing down Commonwealth Avenue.

Do you think any of those fictional worlds will ever fade away and seem less real to us?

Daniel: I can't believe I left out the Ghostbusters. I had a toy “Ghostbusters” firehouse, a toy “Ghostbusters” proton pack (with trap), and I once went to school wearing a “Ghostbusters” armband. My mother let me get away with it because at least I wasn't chasing down her car in the parking lot because I didn't want to go to school. I can't believe she still speaks to me.

And I'd have invited the movie “Ghostbusters” and the cartoon show “Ghostbusters.” I loved that cartoon. There was also an animated version of “Beetlejuice” and “Back to the Future” at one point. I remember McDonald's Happy Meals came with toys from both shows. I was so excited to get a DeLorean toy one day. All I wanted back then was a time machine. My friends and I would actually develop blueprints for one.

To answer your question, no, the worlds we've loved all these years will never fade. It speaks to what you said in our first email chain. Once you make a connection with a book or film, it's really hard to break it. My friend Steve-O and I spent much of last weekend watching episodes of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel.” It was less about the plot and characters this time and more about remembering the times we watch the shows in college when we didn't have jobs or money (at least now we have jobs). They don't fade because they offer an oasis from real life, which to be honest, is a drag.

Sean: You had the trap?!?! I wanted the trap and the fire house so badly. I made my own firehouse with some cardboard.

Yeah, wow, after a stunt like that I would have left you in a parking lot. This is why I am not a parent.

And, yes! There were two versions of the “Ghostbusters” cartoon, one with the original lineup and then another with a new cast, one of whom was in a wheel chair. I remember the intro the both “Beetlejuice” and “Back to the Future.”

I never got the toy from McDonald's. I tried, but I missed it. And I really want to know if your time machine blue prints worked.

"Offer an oasis from real life." That is a perfect metaphor! I love popping on a television show or movie from the past and remember a different period in my life. Some are happy, some are not so happy, and for a few moments I relieve those moments.

What I miss is the excitement of finding a new movie that opens your eyes. I feel like that stage is now gone because we have seen so much. I will never be able to relive the excitement I felt seeing "The French Connection” for the first time. Which I am okay with now because now I can create my own stories that will excite someone else.

Daniel: My younger brother used to come to visit me in New York City and all we'd do is watch "The West Wing." Everyone said, "You're in New York, why not go out and do something you nerds!" Well, for one, we didn't have any money. Good times cost money. And secondly, that's just what we did. We didn't have to say anything or manufacture a bonding moment. It just happened naturally. We'd get breakfast sandwiches from a deli down the street and then watch 12 straight hours of walk and talk.

I also used to watch a lot of "The West Wing" while writing. Something about the tone, the lighting and the subject matter got me in the mood to write. While I certainly can get tired of Sorkin's plots, I will never get sick of his staccato dialogue. It's so rich and fulfilling. People may not talk like that in real life, but they should. There's an energy there that's lacking in day-to-day conversation.

My girlfriend Stephanie—a damn good writer whose work our readers will be raving about in short order—wanted to add something to this chain. Considering our website has more testosterone than a Texas rodeo I figured a little estrogen would go a long way.

Stephanie: Snow White came to my second birthday party. She was pretty legit, but I think Ariel, Flounder and Sebastian would sing a better "Happy Birthday." Or I’d invite the cast of the Muppets, minus Miss Piggy because I don't want a diva pig to be the center of attention at my party. Maybe I’d just invite just Kermit and Fozzie Bear because he's cuddly.

Daniel: Would any of you have invited anyone from “Full House?” A young Daniel Ford might have invited Stephanie because of the huge crush I had on her back in the day. She might bring cocaine though, even at age. Punky Brewster might have also been on my invite list.

By the way, the “Full House reunion on Jimmy Fallon’s late night show recently is awesome. How great is it that Uncle Jessie's fake mullet pales in comparison to the epic mullet he had back then. I guess mullets are forever.

Sean: The Muppets are awesome and I would have them at my birthday as well. I would make Fozzie Bear tell dirty jokes.

Yes! I would have Joey come to the party. He’s not my favorite, but I feel like he would be the most fun, and Stephanie because I had a crush on her too. Have you seen her lately? I mean, considering she battled drug additcion, had two kids, and survived a couple bad breaks up, she good.

Mullets are like the bad guys at the end of horror films: they never die.

Daniel: I spent several minutes (okay, it was longer than that) trying to talk myself out of thinking she was still attractive. But my Google search tells me that you are indeed correct. She does hold up well besides the drug addiction and childbirth. However, she did name her memoir unSweetined. Deducting major points for that. Why not just, How Stephanie Tanner Became a Junkie and Then Grew Up? I'd read that book.

Rachel (Sean’s girlfriend and future Writer’s Bone contributor): I think your website has plenty of estrogen if you ask me.

Daniel: Dynamite drop in.

Stephanie: As far as the “Full House” characters, I think everyone would feel uncomfortable if three guys in their thirties showed up to an unrelated 5 year old's birthday party. Unless they showed up in “Flintstones” attire like this:

That's a game-changer.

Rachel: I'll go with the entire cast of “Full House.” I’d especially invite Comet because when I was 5 years old, I did not have a dog and I used to sit on my parents bed to watch the show and imagine owning a golden retriever who would sit with me and watch it.

Also, I’d invite Mary Kate and Ashley. I know they aren't fictional, but specifically when they were detectives in "The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley."

Also, I’d consider the yellow Power Ranger because when I was 5 years old, I got into a very heated discussion with my next-door neighbor about which one of us was the yellow Power Ranger.

Daniel: Awesome. The yellow Power Ranger choice is very PC. Not many white girls in Boston clamoring to be the Asian female Power Ranger I imagine.

Sean: That actress died in car crash. Sadness.

Daniel: Yeah, just saw that. I had to Google her because I originally thought she was black. Two black people on a television show, what was I thinking?

Sean: Come on man, it was the mid-1990s. That would never happen.

For posts from The Boneyard, check out our full archive.

The Boneyard: Superman Movies, Mandy Moore, and Backyard Jurassic Park

The Boneyard will feature the best of Daniel and Sean’s daily email chain twice a week. Yes, we broadened the definition of “best” to make this happen.

Sean: I forgot to show this to you. It's Max Landis, John Landis' son, talking about Superman. It’s really well made:

Daniel: I remember the Booster Gold part from reading the book. "You look fucked." Hilarious.

And yeah, I also remember reading the part where Doomsday watches the wrestling match on television as a kid and thinking it was the greatest thing ever. I had chills. Knowing what was going to happen, I thought, wow Superman is so fucked. And the beating he gets in the city is awesome. It makes the recent Superman movie look like a sandbox fight between toddlers. Every time he talked to Lois, he looked worse and worse. 

Superman dying and the world figuring out what to do after that was a cool concept. But the four Supermen were lame. Except for maybe the Cyborg because he made you think he was the real deal for a while there. I wanted Superboy to fall into a lake of Kryptonite immediately right after sucking off Darkseid and Lex Luthor at the same time. I still hate that character.

Also lame: the Guardian. He might be one of the stiffer characters I had no idea existed. That's right, no one cares about him. What is he trying to be a British newspaper (God, that's a terrible joke)?

And Mandy Moore could be 400 pounds and chain-smoking cigar-smoking babies and I would still have her on my celebrity list.

I just read the video description. I totally forgot the part where Pa Kent has a heart attack and goes to heaven. And that's the start of Superman coming back. That storyline came out of someone's brain. And then was green-lit by another brain who thought it was a good idea. Stuff that Aaron Sorkin writes on bathroom walls would be better than that idea. Hell, stuff that you write on bathroom walls to attract older men would have more brainpower behind it than that storyline.

Sean: The Death of Superman sent ripples through the pop culture landscape when it happened. But I agree that Superboy is a dick and just useless. However, the image of him falling in to a green lake of Kryptonite with fresh cum still coating his mouth is pretty funny.

What were your thoughts on the last Superman movie?

To me, Superman will always be the 1978 version. That sums up everything about the comic book and the Superman world. It was a near-perfect comic book movie.

It took me a couple of minutes to get the Guardian joke...it was...good...

I agree about Mandy Moore. She could punch me in the face, belittle me as a man, and then slap my momma, but if her bed was open to me I'd be cool with it.

Someone who cared more about money then about story created the post-Death of Superman storylines.

"Wait, we killed him? Shit, he made us mad money. Bring him back!"

"But sir, we can't just bring Superman back. He's dead."

"BRING HIM BACK!"

Daniel: Superman I and Superman II are perfect movies, never mind comic book movies. Comic book movies have become way too involved and too dark. After The Dark Knight, comic book movies are kind of a drag. It works for Batman because brooding and pining are things intrinsic to that character. I don't need to see a depressed bunch of Avengers, or a melancholy, tortured Iron Man, or a Superman trying to find himself. I get that you need to make these guys somewhat relatable, but knock it off with so many special effects. It only works when it adds to the story. To me, the effects in Superman II are way more believable than anything now. It just looked right.

Take the Star Wars prequels. They are awful because of hammy writing, horrible acting performances, and overdone special effects. Guess what? The originals had some pretty hammy writing, so-so acting, but special effects that looked real. Maybe we go back to puppets, I don't know. But look at the lightsaber fights back then and the ones in the prequels. Maybe it’s a reaction to our shortened attention spans, but the lightsaber fights in the originals were full of dialogue, actual swordplay, and happened for a reason. The prequel fights were all flash. At the end of Attack of the Clones (hold me Sean like you did at the lake on Naboo), Count Dooku and Anakin have a lightsaber fight that at one point looks like it is just flashing red and blue lights in front of their faces. Worst. Fight. Ever. My younger brother and I had better choreography in the backyard with Wiffle ball bats wrapped in varying shades of electrical tape.

The Yoda versus the Emperor fight is cool in Episode III because it takes some time to develop. And someone should have really offed Yoda early on and everything probably would have ended up fine. Boy, did that green little shit drop the ball. How about you stop writing for fortune cookie manufacturers and start cutting people's hands off.

Sean: I agreed on that those two movies stand the test of time. It's everything you want in a story. They are so well made. The Dark Knight did the same thing to comic book movies that Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns did to comic books. Both were dark and brooding stories that pushed the limits of their medium. But because they did so well, everyone else started copying him and then it got boring. Frank Miller has said that he wishes he had never done that to his comic book. He feels as if it ruined a lot of great stories.

One comic book I wish they would do is Green Arrow: The Long Bow Hunters. That is a great story line. Oliver Queen loses his riches, moves to another city with his girl, and starts fighting crime his way. Fantastic. It's the right mix of dark and comic. But since the Green Arrow is not a big enough star in the comic world, they won't do it. I will say this; the television show Arrow is not bad. It's far from the best, but its good.

A New Hope still looks amazing. The movie built such a powerful world that it will never look bad. The new ones are done in front of green screen, so I know it’s more of a cartoon. Puppets will always seem real to me. Maybe it’s a kid thing, I don't know, but they will.

Jurassic Park! I feel that movie still stands the test of time as well. The T-Rex attacking the parked cars, the raptors running amok in the kitchen, and the ending scenes still look great. I could watch those over and over again.

Daniel: I remember seeing Jurassic Park in the theater. Mind-blowing. That flick and Apollo 13 were two of my favorite early movie going experiences growing up. I had a Jurassic Park action figure set. I turned my backyard into a Jurassic Park-like set up with some friends of mine from around the neighborhood.

Are kids doing any of that stuff today? We spent hours out there running around like idiots. It was glorious. It's all animated now right? They all hang out on World of Warcraft right? How do you think you'd be different if you were a kid right now as opposed to back then?

Sean: I vividly remember watching Jurassic Park in the theaters. I hid under my seat when during the raptor scenes. I was so scared and excited at the same time. I had never seen anything like it before and from then on I was in to movies.

My backyard was Jurassic Park, The Road Warrior, and the battlefield for my soldiers and tanks. The backyard and the carpet were places that I turned into new worlds and landscapes.

I'm not sure about your question. I don't see kids outside as much as I used to. We spent hours on our bikes riding around and playing in backyards.  The outside world is visited daily by sitting in front of a computer screen of some kind.

Would I be different? Um…maybe...no, I think my parents would have pushed the outside time. I was a fat kid so they were always pushing me outside. "Go out and run or you'll have a heart attack when you are 14!"

How about you? Would you be an outdoor kid or no?

Daniel: I think I would still have been a baseball guy no matter what, so that would have pushed me outside. I am glad Sega didn't have as much of a pull keeping me and my brother indoors as the newer games do for kids. Don't get me wrong, we played a lot of NHL '96, but that was after being outside all day.

Sadly, it's a safety thing too. All these shootings make parents keep their kids inside and safe as possible. There was some report recently that said kids were actually connecting and socializing more with each other through the Internet and social media. The fear was that kids were losing social skills because of all this tech. It turns out that kids are using them more to interact since they have limited ability to hang out with the kids around them. It's not that they necessarily want to be on everything all day, it's just that it's the only place they can be kids without a SWAT team surrounding them. Kind of wild.

Moral of the story: adults ruin childhoods.

Sean: Sega was king for a while. It was hard not to stay inside.

Adults do ruin childhoods, but kids can be massive jerks. I am still reeling from stuff that other kids said to me...15 years ago. I never had an adult make fun of me so badly I had to go home and cry.

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The Boneyard: How Important Are Movie Endings?

The Boneyard will feature the best of Daniel and Sean’s daily email chain twice a week. Yes, we broadened the definition of “best” to make this happen.

Sean: I am going to treat this email chain like a Moran orgy: Anything goes.

Daniel: (afraid to type anything)

Awkward email pause.

Daniel: How important is an ending to a book or movie? Is it the end all be all? Does it depend on the genre? How often does an ending stick out for you for being great? Not that often, right? Is that because it's so hard to stick the landing?

Sean: Endings mean nothing. The ending rarely sticks out for people. Endings may stick out if it was a bad move, a twist, or a very nicely shot scene. Otherwise, endings are nothing. You remember everything that happened before it. For me, the opening scene is where it’s at. You grab your audience and pull them in to your world and then you work at keeping them there. If they are in at the end, you've done your job. The ending matters if you are ending a series of some kind.

The only ending people truly remember is Free Willy because of the scene where the whale leaps over the kid. You think, 'What parent would be okay with this? That whale could drop from the sky and crush that child. Why are his parents not worried?!?!"

Daniel: Ha. You said Free Willy.

I agree. I'm much more inclined toward beginnings. Part of the reason is that I'm so much better at writing them. Setting up a world, a tone, and a character are easier than figuring out how to shut the curtain on all of the above. And twists suck. You have the occasional Sixth Sense or A Beautiful Mind, but what's the shelf life on those movies? I remember being blown away by A Beautiful Mind when I saw it in the theater (even before the twist). It was even one of the first DVDs I ever bought on my own. You know how many times I've watched it since I bought it? Once.But does that make it a bad movie? How much of a factor is re-watchability in how good or bad a movie is? Are Terrence Malick films (What the fuck was Tree of Life about? Seriously, what the fuck?) inherently bad because you can barely sit through one showing, never mind snooze to it on TBS on a Saturday afternoon? But don't those films you can get into channel flicking no matter where you pick up the action have something wrong with them if that's true?

Sean: A little rant on a A Beautiful Mind before I answer. I really enjoyed that movie when I first saw it. Then I read about the real John Nash and found out that during his "episodes" he would go on racist filled rants, he had more than one gay relationship, cheated on his wife who was Cuban and not white like in the movie. Good job Ron Howard! I would have loved to see that movie about a smart guy who goes crazy and starts screaming the N-word while making out with some guy while his Cuban wife watches from the sidelines. Tell me you would not watch the movie! Tell me!

But back to our topic. You’re right that movies with twist endings are only fun to watch the first time when you have no idea what is going to happen. After that, what is the point? You know what is going to happen next. The only other time you can watch a movie with a twist ending is when you are watching the movie with someone who has never seen it before and you watch their reaction to the big twist.

The re-watchable factor shouldn’t judge if a movie is good or bad (Tree of Life, what the hell is going there? How do you go from The Thin Red Line to Tree of Life? How?!?!). What makes a movie re-watchable is the connection you had to the movie when you first saw it. I don't like some movies because it reminds me of a bad date I went on, but others remind me of Friday nights spent my friends. I have a connection with Jingle All The Way because one afternoon my mom and I sat down and watched it together. Is it a good movie? No! It's awful! But if it’s on, I will watch it because I remember how my mom was happy and smiling when we watched it. A connection is what matters.

Would you re-watch an awful movie with someone who has never seen it just to talk about it with someone?

Daniel: I would 100% do that. I'm sure my girlfriend would say that happens all the time.

I love Jingle All the Way for a lot of the same reasons. My younger brother and I used to watch movies and television shows with my mom growing up which included a good number of chick flicks. For instance, One Fine Day. That movie is terrible and inaccurately depicts what it’s like to be a writer in New York City. I made a lot of bad career decisions based off of George Clooney's character. But I’ll always love it forever because I watched it with my mother and it made me fall even more in love with New York City. Plus, Michelle Pfeiffer is still throwing a 95 m.p.h. fastball.

Sean: I brought it up because I do it all the time. It's always good when you can vent your anger of a movie toward someone else who is in the same boat.

I have never seen One Fine Day all the way through. Go back and watch Batman Returns. Pfeiffer is purrrfect. Get it? She plays Catwoman.

It's good to have a connection to a movie like that. Having connection with bad movie or one that’s not your taste to it because of someone in your life makes it great.

On the flip side, you have the movies that are good, but you can’tenjoy because of something bad. I can't watch Black Swan because I saw it with an ex-girlfriend.

Daniel: Pfeiffer is a total badass in Batman Returns. In fact, Batman Returns holds up as a movie so much better than Tim Burton’s first Batman movie. I remember going to the movies and my younger brother and I were wearing matching Batman Returns hats. Some guy behind me told me to take it off. Fuck that guy fir ruining a perfectly good childhood moment. I spent a lot of the movie feeling bummed that guy was a dick.

But the penguin scene at the end blew my childhood mind. Which leads me to admit that I like Batman Forever because my older brother took us to go see it. He said we had to go pick something up for our father and we ended up at the movie theater. I loved every second of that movie. I still do. He took us to see Batman & Robin in a similar fashion, but I don't have the same love for that movie. Sometimes even nostalgia can't overcome a craptastic flaming turd.

Sean: Batman Returns is overlooked. And you are totally right that it stands up much better then the first one. The first one is hard to watch now. There are some scenes that just bleed early 1990s. The second, despite its oddball plot line, is not bad.

I like Batman Forever as well. I understand it's not as "dark" as the first two, but when it came out I enjoyed it and I still like it now. Val Kilmer is not a bad Bruce Wayne or Batman, he was just more detective Batman then action hero Batman. Batman & Robin is…awful. I saw it in theaters and I hated it then and I hate it now. I just can't watch it. It's not Batman.

And that was a really touching story up until the point the guy was a dick to you. Yeah, Robin should fuck that guy. 

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