By Gary M. Almeter
Linda in “The Deer Hunter”
You once made the beach-themed cupcakes (with marzipan starfish, graham cracker sand, and fondant beach balls) that you saw on Pinterest for your best friend’s summer outdoor baby shower and, goddamn, if your cupcakes didn’t turn out better than the picture on Pinterest!
Jill Davis in “Manhattan”
You loved your new sporty modern bikini bra you bought from Urban Outfitters with its banded cutout detailing, its sleek silhouette, and its strappy scoop neck, but then your boyfriend ruined it by throwing it in the washing machine and it is sold out online.
Joanna Kramer in “Kramer vs. Kramer”
For your 21st birthday, you and some girl friends went to “The Price is Right” and you wore a t-shirt that said “Kiss Me Bob Barker—I’m 21 Today.” You neither got called to be a contestant nor kissed that day and have been resentful ever since (but that Bob Barker sounds like a sick crazy fuck anyway, so fuck him).
Sarah Woodruff/Anna in “The French Lieutenant’s Woman”
You once created a stir at your book club when you suggested that Pilates did not count as strength training.
Sophie Zawistowskiin “Sophie’s Choice”
You swear—and have asked your primary care physician to certify this to a reliable degree of medical certainty—that you pee more often when you’re wearing a button-up romper.
Karen Silkwood in “Silkwood”
Sometimes you just want to yank out your uterus and smack it around for being such a bitch when you’ve been nothing but kind and considerate to it.
Susan Traherne in “Plenty”
You get bikini waxes with some frequency and after each one you can’t help but ask yourself, “Was that really worth it?”
Karen Blixen in “Out of Africa”
You make 77% of what your male counterparts make but you sort of don’t even give a shit about the gender pay gap because you get stoned with your boss at lunch from time to time and you can wear sleeveless blouses on casual Friday.
Rachel Samstat in “Heartburn”
The cup size on the bustier you just bought at Marshall’s seems a little bit off. Also, you definitely had a poster of Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” in your dorm room in college
Helen Archer in “Ironweed”
You and your girlfriend had a three-way with Seal when he played the Orpheum in 1995.
Lindy Chamberlain in “A Cry in the Dark”
Your period tends to come the day after you buy a pregnancy test and you’re always like, “Quit playing games with me, okay uterus?”
Mary Fisher in “She-Devil”
You could very much go for a nice long fuck right about now. Also, why is it so hard to hard to find classic rock t-shirts that are cut for women?
Suzanne Vale in “Postcards from the Edge”
You would love it if one day you could eat, oh I don’t know, a fucking cheeseburger and not feel guilty about it?
Madeline Ashton in “Death Becomes Her”
You were at a job interview once and the interviewer was staring at your cleavage the whole time and you were all, “What the fuck?” And then in the elevator you looked down and guess what? You had a chocolate stain on your blouse.
Clara del Valle Trueba in “The House of the Spirits”
You borrowed your roommate’s Tory Burch “Louisa” ballet flats without asking one autumn and subsequently trashed them as you were tailgating before the big game. When you got back to your apartment your roommate wasn’t back from her shift at Legal Sea Foods so you just threw them in the dumpster behind your building and your roommate thought she lent them to her sister.
Gail Hartman in “The River Wild”
“To shave your legs or not to shave your legs?” That is the question you ask yourself each morning from October through March. On the one hand, smooth legs are sexy and, on the other hand, you can just wear leggings all fall and winter.
Francesca Johnson in “The Bridges of Madison County”
You’re wearing the prettiest bra and silk shantung jacket today but every time you lean over it’s like “Free the nipples!” and you’re like, “Whoa!”
Kate Gulden in “One True Thing”
You cannot find any patio furniture that you like.
Roberta Guaspari in “Music of the Heart”
There was definitely a long adjustment period but you finally got to the point where you kinda liked having short hair. It’s nice needing the tiniest amounts of conditioner and product. However, last week you went to get a trim and your friends were dumbfounded as to why you were not letting your hair grow out
Susan Orlean in “Adaptation”
You would rather stand on the bus and/or train holding on to an Ebola-slathered pole, than sit next to a dude as the dude would inevitably sit with his legs spread wide open and why the fuck do dudes get to sit with their legs spread wide open but you can’t and if you do you get admonished, explicitly and implicitly, for not sitting like a lady?
Clarissa Vaughan in “The Hours”
You were talking to your gym crush the other day and you’re pretty sure you smiled when he told you that he and his girlfriend had just broken up and you’re wondering if he noticed.
Lisa Metzger in “Prime”
Victoria’s Secret has no bras in your size. Do you sweat it? No! You go to Kohl’s where you can get Hanes and Bali bras—underwire bras, wire-free bras, sports bras, minimizer bras, sexy and seductive bras, any kind of bras—for less than half the price!
Miranda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada”
Once you were watching “New Girl” while lying on your couch and you lost your phone. You were freaking out but then you remembered that you set your phone on your boobs.
Janine Roth in “Lions for Lambs”
It is 7:00 a.m. and you are craving corn dogs right now.
Donna Sheridan in “Mamma Mia!”
Your favorite drink is the mojito. However, no drink exemplifies the problems that arise when a drink is made without precisely measuring its ingredients better than the mojito. It’s basically a fucking crapshoot every time you order one.
Sister Aloysius Beauvier in “Doubt”
You cannot walk through Target without spending at least $150.
Julia Child in “Julia & Julia”
It’s time for you to go bra shopping again and you fear you will have to sell a fucking kidney or something so you can afford it.
Jane Adler in “It’s Complicated”
You just bought this dress from J. Crew but it’s apparently sort of vanity sized and it was a final sale so you can’t return it. It’ll cost more to have it tailored than the dress actually cost and for fuck’s sake.
Margaret Thatcher in “The Iron Lady”
You refuse to buy feminine products from young male cashiers. If there are only young male cashiers at the open registers at whatever Walgreen’s or CVS you are at, you will walk or drive to a different Walgreen’s or CVS.
Violet Weston in “August: Osage County”
Your go-to Halloween costume is getting dressed up as Audrey Hepburn from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”
Witch in “Into the Woods”
You had your period the entire week of band camp for three years in a row.
Ricki in “Ricki and the Flash”
The prestigious East Coast college you went to subtly emanated, over a period of four years, a concept of the ideal American woman, who is nothing short of fantastic. She must be a successful wife, mother, community contributor, and possibly career woman, all at once. Besides this, she must be attractive, charming, gracious, and good-humored. She must talk intelligently about her husband’s job, but not try to horn in on it, keep her home looking like a page out of House Beautiful, and be efficient (but not intimidatingly so). While she is managing all this, she must be relaxed and happy, find time to read, paint, and listen to music, think philosophical thoughts, be the keeper of culture in the home, and raise her husband’s sights above the television set. And you’re like, “Umm. No.”
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