The Boneyard: Don’t Let Facts Get in the Way of a Good Story

Photo courtesy of heyrocc

Photo courtesy of heyrocc

By Daniel Ford and Sean Tuohy

Sean: Okay, so last night I attempted to read—for the second time—a book that we received some time ago. 

The book hasn't been released so I don’t want to name it, but it’s a detective novel. The writer is a former police officer. The first time, I stopped reading three chapters in because it was boring. The writer spent too much time trying to make it feel real that it slowed everything down. It happened again this time around. The author would slow the story down to give some little fact about this or that. 

Now, with these types of stories you have to put in details but when is it too much? When should a writer stop trying to get in all the facts and just tell the story?

Daniel: Man, I'm glad you brought this up. I just finished a book that comes out in June and it is awful. Poor dialogue, wimpy plot, caricatures instead of characters. I plowed through it because I hate not finishing a book I start, but I threw it right in the trash when I was done. I chalked it up as a lesson in how not to do things and I'm moving on.

Anyway, I think if you're going to overload people with facts, write a nonfiction narrative or just a straight nonfiction account. The rules are essentially limitless, so why do writers hem themselves into plot devices and narration that don't move readers? 

Take the movie "Spotlight." Are all the details factually correct? No, of course not. Journalism, when done right, can be monotonous to an outsider. I heard Ann Hornaday, a movie critic who writes for The Washington Post, say on a podcast a couple weeks ago that some of the scenes featuring confrontations on the golf course or at parties were actually done through email. Does that make the movie any less authentic? No. The whole point of fiction is that you get to stretch beyond the bounds of reality. You can do that without losing the essence of the story. 

Also consider Dimitry Elias Leger's God Loves Haiti. He tells a spirited, haunted love story in the middle of the Haitian earthquake in 2010. He doesn't dwell on Richter scale readings or news reports. He uses the facts to build his own world, one that explores the themes unleashed after the earthquake in a way that relates to readers. 

People who read fiction want the authenticity of feeling and emotion, and don't necessarily care that facts have been stretched or tweaked.

Sean: Good example with “Spotlight.” You could say the same for “Bridge of Spies.” Was the film 100 percent spot on? No, not at all. Chunks of dialogue were taken from documents and things like the exchange and sneaking people out happen but not like it did in the movie. 

I like to look at Stephen J. Cannell's work. The man was known for his research. He would spend months researching people, topics, and fields for a single book or television show. But he knew how to inject that into his work without slowing it down. He knew that you shouldn't let the facts get in the way of a good story. 

If you are a good cop, it does not mean you’ll be a good writer. I tend to find that they get bogged down in details that the readers do not care for.

Daniel: Right. You have to know the facts, but also know when to ignore them. Creating a mood or a deep character is much more important than, say, explaining exactly how a suspect gets booked or what streets cops actually police. 

"The Wire" is probably another good example of doing it the right way. Fiction's job isn't to inform using facts and details, it's to inform with passion and emotion.

Sean: Yes! I completely agree. 

“The Danish Girl,” which was a big award-winner this year, tells this "true" story about a male artist who wants to become a woman in the early 1900s. Everyone loved it. It was not a real story. The film was based on a novel, which was based off a true story. But the film and novel captured the passion and emotion of the real people but put it into a fictional setting.

Daniel: "Steve Jobs" is another excellent example. All of Jobs's life didn't happen before product launches. However, I was impressed by Aaron Sorkin's screenplay. He illuminated Jobs's entire life in a structure that would make an excellent play. I walked away feeling like I knew a little more about Jobs without caring if every detail was correct. And after reading the biography, I think Sorkin captured the man and all his faults in three acts.

Sean: "Ray," the Jamie Foxx movie, did the same. It captured the man, how witty and driven he was, but also all his faults. 

I want the facts and what to know how those facts impact a character but I don't want them to slow down the story.

Daniel: I live by three commandments when it comes to writing: 

  1. Be honest
  2. Be human
  3. Don't be boring

Facts can throw up roadblocks for all three. We're storytellers, and storytellers shouldn't be afraid to deviate from facts in order to uncover larger truths about the human experience. Move people with your dialogue and characters; don't bore them with lists and procedures. Readers get enough of that at work!

Sean: You are like Frank Ryan in Swag. You got your rules and you live by them. I like that.

But those are good rules and should be the cornerstones of any storytelling. Like Raymond Chandler said, "Every ten pages have a man with a gun." We need to keep the readers invested and interested without making them work.

The Boneyard Archives

Have Writer Will Travel: Does Wanderlust Inspire Your Writing?

From the desk of Daniel Ford: I just got back from London/Dublin and was thinking about something the last couple days in my jet lagged soaked brain. Does travel inspire you to write? I didn't do a whole lot of writing while abroad, but I did have a bunch of ideas I'm eager to test out.

Sean Tuohy: Nope, not really. If anything traveling just gives me settings for future stories. Whenever I travel, and I pass an interesting building or a plaza, I always take a metal picture and file it away. Maybe seeing something or learning some bit of local history will set off a spark but the urge to write isn't there. I like to write in a comfortable setting, some place I am familiar with. The only time I like to travel and write is if I am going somewhere I know well, like Florida or Ibiza.

Daniel Ford: Yeah, I think Ibiza would be high on everyone's writing setting list.

Sean: True, but for me it’s the fact that I am really comfortable at my uncle's house. If I went to Ibiza and went to a hotel to write I don't think I would be comfortable. The house has a great energy and the views from the living room and bedroom are amazing so those mixed together are great.

Daniel: Right, exactly. I can't write in a hotel unless it's super old or charming. There's something too sterile about them. And you're absolutely right on atmosphere. It has to be some place that I can set my coffee down, where I've set it down hundreds of times before, and litter the table or desk with papers (and probably pastries).

Sean: Pastries always help writing. Oddly enough, I had this thought this weekend regarding hotels while I was in a hotel with Rachel. We had a nice corner room with a nice view. If I could drag a table up to the window I would totally write. Because the room was so simple and the view was of a city that I know and love I thought I could write. But would I really? I don't know. Maybe when I sit down it wouldn't be a fit.

Daniel: Let’s ask the rest of the crew!

Gary Almeter: I definitely think it does.  Not so much because the Grand Canyon, Shakespeare's birthplace, the ocean, or the Pacific sunset are inspiring (at least not to me though surely to some) but because of the anonymity that comes with traveling. Both the traveler and those he or she sees are doing whatever you think they might be. Why are they hugging at the airport? Where did they come from? What is that person doing here? You tend to make up stories as you see all this. I think cities are inspiring. You see all the people going about their ordinary days while you are vacationing. Where are they going? The sense of alienation also fosters a sense that there is something sketchy going on every corner. Hotels foster this too inherently—like you can’t help but think of all the malfeasance that happened between and amongst the prior inhabitants of that room. 

We met a couple on our honeymoon—we didn't exchange addresses or anything—and I always wonder what they are doing now.

Dave Pezza: In my limited experience, it definitely does but not right away. In fact, not close. For me it takes years for those adventures to manifest into something thoughtful and poignant.

Lindsey Wojcik:

"Is the wine complimentary?"

"Wine?"

"Yes."

The wine was placed next to the first meal I've had on an airplane. The menu that night was cheese pasta or chicken and rice—I chose the former—with a salad that only consisted of some pieces of iceberg lettuce and half a tomato, a cheese wedge with crackers, a roll with butter, pretzels, and a caramel brownie.

I devoured the pasta, washing it down with the sweet white between bites. Next, I conquered that cheese wedge, which actually turned out to be a nice spread. I couldn't muster up the appetite for the dried, wilting lettuce even though an olive oil and vinegar dressing would have done the trick—it lost all nutrient value at "iceberg."

I leave the unopened salad and roll on the tray, anticipating when the woman with the wine will return.

"Anything else to drink?"

"Can you top me off?"

"Sure."

I hold the cup into the aisle as she pours. She wheels away, and I start to lose myself in a book.

"Life is not a paragraph, death is no parenthesis."

Page seven, and I'm hooked. I give myself until 10:00 p.m. to keep reading, hoping I'm not disturbing the stranger besides me.

I typed that into my iPhone Notes as my plane to Barcelona, Spain, flew over the Atlantic Ocean last month. I wanted to capture moments of my first trip abroad while I was actually experiencing it, but the notes ended as soon as I landed. While I did not write much after that, being a solo traveler in another country, where I barely spoke the language, proved to be an inspiring experience.

I navigated myself somewhat successfully around a new country without the crutch of a trusted GPS-enabled iPhone, made connections with people from lands other than Spain, and became immersed in learning, seeing, smelling, hearing, and feeling the pulse of Barcelona—albeit, with limited time, the culture immersion happened atop a double-decker bus. But I did it all alone. The experience proved to myself that I could do anything and erased the fears writers often face when putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. It made me write without pause, professionally, and re-ignited my desire to write for myself.

Experiencing anything new is always cause for self-examination, and I think travel does that best, which is why it can be so inspiring for many writers.

The Boneyard Archives

Hail to the Fictional Chief: 7 Movie Presidents We’d Vote For

By Sean Tuohy

It is election time again! It’s that wonderful time of year when you get into screaming matches with family members over their political views. With the looming fear that the guy who trademarked “You’re Fired” has a chance of winning and cause World War III, we decided to come up with a list of the top five movie presidents.

President Sawyer in “White House Down”

He’s stylish, smart, witty, and his best friend is a shirtless Channing Tatum. How do you not want this guy to lead the free world?

Also, he’ll totally admit when he makes a mistake. Like losing a rocket launcher.

He’s great with words too:

The President in “Escape From New York”

This president is so tough on crime that he turned the Big Apple into a prison. After his airplane crashes into a New York City prison he has to be saved by a one-eyed ex con. Yes, he is taken hostage and has a complete metal break down. Yes, he is a complete and utter ass that does not flinch when he is told that a lot of people died to save him. Yes, he is not really American, he’s British.

But, man, he sounds so distinguished

President Diana Steen in “Mafia!”

Steen is the first female president who brought peace to the whole world. And she played catch with her son on the front lawn of the White House. 

Also, she found Jay Mohr charming enough to sleep with. Something no one has ever done…ever.

Mr. President in “The Rock” and “Armageddon”

This president had one of the most stressful admissions ever. Yeah, Honest Abe lead a divided nation during the Civil War, but this guy was in the big chair while rogue Marines took over a prison and a planet-killing asteroid hurtled toward Earth. Both times he gave a killer speech (puns always intended)!

Presidents Kramer and Douglas in “My Fellow Americans”

Finally, a few cranky white guys we can believe in.

President James Marshall in “Air Force One”

Enough said.

Are Amazon’s Brick-and-Mortar Plans Good or Bad for Publishing and Consumers?

Editor’s note: Always eager to instigate a debate between Dave Pezza and Matt DiVenere, I emailed them the news that Amazon was considering opening 400 brick-and-mortar locations. Their reactions did not disappoint. Matt graciously took up the devil’s advocate mantel, something that Dave will pay dearly for in the future. Feel free to join the debate in the comments section or tweet us @WritersBone.—Daniel Ford  

Dave Pezza: Those neo-fascist, monopoly-loving idiots can go ahead and open as many brick-and-mortar locations as they would like. This is what happens to most over-abundant enterprises. They get bored of swimming, sleeping, and showering with the inhuman amounts of money they have amassed, and they start to get cute. Are you fucking with me Amazon? Your whooooole business model since your inception, which was about the same time the fucking Internet started, was getting rid of the overhead associated with physical stores. And now they are hacking up a deep lugy into the face of modern publishing and bookstores by opening brick-and-mortar locations. Why? Because they are, and always have been, complete and total douchebags. I envy their douchbaggery level. It's unprecedented. Hopefully they'll lose millions of dollars in the process as they continue alternate between shooting and tea-bagging the dead corpse of American publishing like a teenage, hyperactive, hypoglycemic, depression-soaked Halo player.

Matt DiVenere: In this dog eat, dog world, Amazon has decided to take on an industry that needed a serious revitalization in order to stay relevant in a world filled with screens and has won outright.

For those who go the route of calling Amazon "mom-and-pop bookstore killers," are you toeing this line because of nostalgia? Do you still own a Super Nintendo and play it with all of your friends? Do you have a blog and call yourself a foodie even though you have no real experience in the food industry other than eating? Do you only listen to music on record players because "that's how music was intended to be played?" Do you refuse to eat anything that had a face (not counting that burger you ate last weekend when you were drunk)?

I hate to be the one to break this to you, but that bookstore that you drive by every once in a while that you say is, "awesome and your favorite place," probably wouldn't be around anymore no matter what Amazon does. America is no longer flipping pages and getting paper cuts. America is scrolling on screens whether you like it or not. Can't you just be happy that a major company has decided to give you a space other than Starbucks to be pretentious?

By the way, how are you reading this? On a screen? What do you mean?? You didn't print it out so you can read it in front of a window while someone Instagrams a photo of you reading (#humblebrag)? Point, set, match.

Dave: Matt, you ignorant slut.

“The new ways, the digital ways, the screens, the clouds, it is all unstoppable.” “It is the future.” “Stop toeing this line.” “The old ways are enfeebled and trite.” 

Low-evolved, hypocritical sheep say these things. It is with the collective bleating of the Instagram stars and YouTube celebrities and the-point-and-click Contras that our world is now changed, and for the better we would be led to believe.  Technology, innovation, and change are fundamental building blocks of our national chemistry, an elemental necessity that follows established rules and principles. A business that is not growing is dying. Print and tangible commodities are dead.

Wrong. You are simply wrong. 

Not all change is progress. It would seem that Americans are still getting paper cuts.  And they like it. E-books sales have dropped considerably for what should be a continually booming industry. Vinyl has surpassed live streaming music in revenue for the first time since ever.

How and why you ask from the inch and a half screen of your over priced, under used iWatch? (Oh, it tells time? So does my $50 dollar Nautica). Because Americans are not idiots. Because new is not always better. More is better. Diversity is better. Some music sounds much better on vinyl. Some music does not. Thank god I can get both because I am smart enough to know the difference. I read Scotty McDouchernozzel's New York Times blurb on the Iowa caucus results on my iPhone Monday night. I will read his column on Ted Cruz's victory on Sunday in print over a hot cup of coffee and a couple of eggs. I, like most Americans (I hope), know when technology/change is useful, and when it is not.

The issue of Amazon opening stores is first and foremost a consumer issue. I do not want to buy my items from one place. I want options. Options give me value. It gives me power. The mom-and-pop store gives me a feeling of home and customer service. These properties cancel out their higher prices. But sometimes Amazon's $2.99 price tag on a favorite paperback just can't be beat. Barnes & Noble's signed editions, 20% off coupons, and hardcover deals keep me walking through those doors on a weekly basis. I have options.

Having physical Amazon stores is as close to a monopoly as we have ever seen in the publishing world. Imagine Barnes & Noble went under and is bought by Amazon's brick-and-mortar division. What's to stop its online prices from skyrocketing to meet its in-store prices? Nothing but a court order, and we have all seen how that works out.

Don't be an idiot. It is very clear what Amazon is trying to do here: make more money. This is a zero sum game we are playing. More to some means less for others.

Matt: A business that doesn't attempt at improving itself is dying. Staying stagnant is to die a slow, painful death. Bigger is better. Newer is better. Why do people sleep outside the stores for the newest iPhone each year?

Do people do that for the latest hardcover novel? No. That's because the younger generations have not grown up with their parents reading the newspaper at night. Parents now are on their phones or tablets. In the classroom, children are considered behind if they don't have the basic handle on typing and Internet terminology. It's not actually a dig at the older ways but more of a nod toward what's to come.

If we rewind before Amazon hit it big online, large corporate stores such as Barnes & Noble were taking business away from the small neighborhood bookstores. It was very rare to see a local bookstore update itself to stay relevant with the times.

The same can be said for the print newspaper industry, more specifically, the national print newspapers. The Internet world came up on them fast and they were way too slow and stubborn to attack. Instead, they reacted and…well. You can see what's happened to the print industry.

Of course Amazon is trying to make money. That's what successful companies do.

And Amazon dipping its toes in the water with the brick and mortar storefronts is just the tip of the iceberg. If they are successful, there will be more companies to follow. What if Apple starts selling records at the Apple stores? Tesla sells its own cars, most of them in a small storefront with limited test drive vehicles available.

There is room in the marketplace for this. And if there are fewer options for you to purchase a book, you can't blame Amazon for that. Blame society. Blame technology. Blame whatever helps you sleep at night. But don't blame the successful company looking to add to its offerings.

Okay, your turn. Join the discussion by commenting in the section below or by tweeting us @WritersBone

Full Boneyard Archive

The Boneyard: From Notebook to Silver Screen

By Daniel Ford and Sean Tuohy

Sean Tuohy: Picture this: Your book is purchased by a studio and is fast tracked into a film. Casting is okay, director is okay, and the screenwriter is okay. Nothing special but they have a good staff.

They make the film and you go and see it. The movie is all right, but nothing like your novel. They got the message and some of the characters, but overall it’s not really yours.

How do you react?

Daniel Ford: Well, first of all, I think I'm lighting hundred dollar bills on fire in the theater lobby. You're telling me I got a novel published! A lifelong dream?! After that, the rest is gravy. I'd be overjoyed even if it sucked. Probably exactly how Nicholas Sparks must feel.

Plus, I'm going to make you and Stephanie Schaefer write the movie. I'd be like the Fifty Shades of Grey author demanding her husband write the next batch of crappy, soft porn movies devoid of chemistry, but with two people who actually know how to write.

What about you? If you write this screenplay and then see the movie and they cut some of the things that you really love, would it lessen the experience for you?

Sean: "Sir there is no smoking allowed here in the—"

Dan spits in usher's face, "Dan Ford! That's my movie!"

Just how I see it going down. Also, I would write that film in a heartbeat. I will say this about the Fifty Shades writer—she is demanding and crazy.

For screenwriters, it is a different relationship with a screenplay. A writer's relationship to his novel is one-on-one. You write it, edit it, and take all the steps.

With the screenwriter, it is a very open relationship. A script is going to be handled by actors, directors, producers, and studio heads, all who want to change this or that.

So as a screenwriter you have to be ready for change but you can't just lie down and take it. If there is a scene you believe that needs to be in the film you have to fight for it.

Daniel: Before I reply, I should mention I'm listening to Ennio Morricone's "Ecstasy of Gold" from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" soundtrack.

Sean: Awesome soundtrack. Currently bouncing to “X Gon’ Give It To You.” Take a listen to “Brothers In Arms” from the “Mad Max: Fury Road” soundtrack.

Daniel: How often do you read something and think, "Hm, that would work great as a screenplay."

Sean: Hm, not often. If I am reading something I am doing it to relax or to learn something. So my mind is a different gear. If it does happen normally it’s because there are three or four stand out scenes or one really strong character. Not the story as a whole.

That being said, I am in the process of purchasing the rights to a short story that I read. After reading the story I looked up and said, “This could be a movie," and I began to break the story down into a three-act screenplay. Because the story is so strong and the tone is so powerful, it might be pretty easy to switch it over to a script.

Now the hard part is writing the screenplay. Since it is a short story, I don’t have to cut down a 300-page novel to a 120-page screenplay. I have to beef up a 40-page short story to a 100-page screenplay. This will take time. Also deciding what to keep and what to cut is hard and also trying to keep the story's tone.

Hopefully I get the rights—that is the easy part—the hard part is turning the story into a script.

Daniel: This is truly fascinating. Isn't it incredible how a short story has that kind of power? I've been floored by more short stories in my life than full novels. There's something about the brevity of a short story that allows for a bigger emotional punch.

And I think you nailed the most difficult part of the writing process: the actual writing. Editing, revising, and rewriting aren't easy, but at least you have something to work from. When you sit down to create a world or a character, it's like you're making a batch of chocolate cookies without a recipe.

Now, is it weird trying to get your mind into a world someone else has already created? Or is it freeing to go in fresh and extrapolate other threads the original author didn't have space to explore?

Sean: A short story is such a strange and difficult art form to master. It is like baking. You have to have the perfect balance. You can't go heavy on this or that. You have to be right in the middle to make the perfect serving. I agree, I have been floored by more short stories than full novels.

When you sit down to write a short story what are you focusing on? The scene, the character, the dialogue? What goes through your mind?

I would say it is weird but I have been reading this story for more than 10 years. I picked it up when I was 14 years old. I found it in a collection of pulp fiction short stories and I read it, and reread it, and reread it. At one point I tried writing a story similar to it, like most writers do when they first start out. So the story has been with me for a while but it wasn't till recently that idea of turning it into a film came in my mind.

Daniel: Regarding my thought process for short stories, it depends. There are times when the events come to me as an individual scene. I don't have much more to go on than a few lines of dialogue and a setting. I hear my characters talking to each other well before anything else. There are times though that the characters come to me more fleshed out and I have to figure out what hell to put them through (life can't be easy for any of my main characters). 

Once I have the kernel of the idea, it has to marinate for a bit. I have to play around with it in my head. Sometimes it's easy, like in the case of "343" and "Cherry on Top," and I can write for a couple of sleepless nights to get the story out of me. Other times, like in the case of this quasi-drug addled short story about a criminal named Mel, it takes months for me to generate a story.

Good thing I'm a writer because otherwise these would be considered the ramblings of a mad man. 

Sean: Hearing your characters talk. I just got stuck on that because I feel like all authors do this and it’s insane. We hear voices in our head. That is what crazy people do.

What is more draining on you as author the story that comes out in a couple of sleepless nights or the story that takes month?

Daniel: Probably the sleepless nights only because I have to get up for my day job in the morning. But then again, there's this adrenaline rush that comes along with that, which propels me for a good long while.

Is it the same for you writing a screenplay? Or does the structure give you set milestones you can work toward without completely killing yourself?

Sean: You do have set a milestone, which helps a lot. It feels good knowing you hit your first action beat or you are almost done with act two.

Act one and three are easy to finish; it’s act two that is draining. Two is the biggest section of a script and the easiest place to get stuck.

I have taken a new process up recently. I used to create thin outlines and then start writing. Now, I’m writing a thick and detailed outline. I’m not touching a keyboard until the notebook outline is complete. And yes, the notebook looks like it belongs to the killer in “Seven.”

THE BONEYARD ARCHIVES

The Top 20 Tweets From President Obama’s Last State of the Union Address

By Daniel Ford

I'm sickened by the political discourse in this country.

Ted Cruz sanctimoniously lobbying to bomb the Middle East into a parking lot? Bernie Sanders shouting at Wall Street to get off his lawn? Donald Trump transforming his campaign events into de facto Klan rallies? Marco Rubio pontificating in an empty suit? Chris Christie???!!! These are the Presidential turkeys we get? We need more orators and fewer class clowns.

I suppose you could argue we deserve it. Our short attention spans, reality television sensibilities, and willful disengagement from the political process make us easy prey for these windbags. And I'm not naive enough to think political debate in this country has ever been high minded. For every Lincoln, there's an Andrew Johnson; for every FDR, there's a Herbert Hoover. Thomas Jefferson essentially ran the first smear campaign (with the help of his lap dogs James Madison and James Monroe) and besmirched the reputation of John Adams, his longtime friend, to get elected and whine about nearly every issue for eight years.

However, President Obama, during his final State of the Union address, demonstrated that there might be a different path our politicians might take. I know he's unburdened by re-election and his legislative agenda is already a dead letter in Congress, but he touched on themes that should resonant with the electorate this campaign season. I’m not saying I agreed with everything he said or was pleased with some of the issues that were excluded (particularly gun violence), but the highest office demands the highest level of oratory and that’s what we were treated to last night.

These are the four questions the President explored:

Shouldn't all these political attack ads instead focus on the answers to these questions? Aren’t these questions the crux of what we're facing as a nation? Shouldn't our discussions around kitchen tables or on social media revolve around how to live up to President Obama's rousing call to citizenship?

Sadly, more attention will likely be given to Kim Davis' hair, Paul Ryan possibly having a stroke next to Joe Biden, and the Joint Chiefs setting a world record for holding in the largest collective fart.

I've said this before, but it's worth repeating. We can do better. I don't know if I still have faith that we will, but last night’s oratory makes me believe it's still possible.

Speaking of pontificating, that's enough out of me. Here are some tweets from last night that are both substantive and silly.

Writing Nirvana: What's Your Dream Writing Gig?

By Daniel Ford and Sean Tuohy

Sean: What is your dream project? Given the chance and funding, what would you love to work on?

Daniel: My go-to answer usually has something to do writing a novel as my job instead of something I do as a side gig. I don't want to write on buses or trains, at bars or college campuses anymore. I want my daily work routine to include sitting down at a computer and typing up some rich hell to make my characters walk through.

However, I have this other dream. And it scares the hell out of me. I'd love to write for a television show. I have zero experience writing screenplays (as you're painfully aware of), and have no clue about writers’ room dynamics. But it would be thrilling to have an idea that's good enough for a character to say on television. Just one line of dialogue in a drama or sitcom that gets a reaction from an audience would make me the happiest writer on Earth.

How about you? Major feature film? Small indie? Television show? Detective novel?

Sean: Making writing a full-time gig would be the best. I know that it will happen at some point, so I’m comfortable waiting for it to happen. Just have to pay the dues first. I remember reading that during his high point screenwriter/novelist William Goldman would leave his New York City apartment in the morning and make his way to an office where he wrote for hours until the late afternoon and then went out and walked around the city. One day... 

The dream project would oddly be a novel. I love screenplays but there is no dream screenplay that I want to see as a film. Sadly with screenplays you have to accept that there is a huge chance it will never be made. Ever. 

I've outlined chunks of a story, done the research, conducted more research, but I need the time to focus on it. I also think it needs more time to simmer...like a few years. The novel would focus on Peru in the 1960s and follow three men with a shared goal. It’s based on my family, but with a good chunk made up.

Television is more open nowadays because everyone needs content. Doug Richardson told us that.

Daniel: It's fascinating that we essentially want to switch roles. Do you think that's because I've written a novel and you've written a screenplay? Do you think it's just us wanting to test our storytelling ability and seek out new challenges?

Judging from what I know about your family's history, those men's shared goal might not be altruistic. That's a novel I'd want to read.

Sean: I'm not too sure where it comes from. Maybe just the need to change it up. I think it may come from the fact that as writers you need to find the right match for a story.

The one I want to tell really fits well with a novel. A screenplay would limit the story, and I can’t force it into another format. If you try to force a story to be something it isn’t, it won’t work. The back of your mind knows what works, but it needs to connect with the front of brain and that can be hard.

The story you want to tell may work best for television and your brain knows it and is letting you know that.

Daniel: Could also be that I binge watch television on a regular basis.

I gravitate toward shows with singular visions. Like "Mad Men," "Rectify," "Deadwood," "The Sopranos." Hearing those writers/directors talk about writing scripts late into the night and molding a show to fit what's in their head sounds exhilarating. I don't have an idea for anything (yet), but those are the types of shows I'd like to work on. Something that maybe lasts for a season or two, but maybe influences other shows.

I essentially wrote my novel as a series of short stories. Each chapter doesn't advance the plot so much as take a snapshot of my character at that specific point in his life. You could say each chapter is an episode.

Damn you, Tuohy, now I'm writing a television series in my head. How dare you!

Sean: You write that television show, damn it!

If you look at “The Wire,” it's just one giant book. That is all it is.

As much as I love television, the question going forward is when do people become overwhelmed by everything that’s out there and stop watching?

Daniel: I think that question exists for everything. Think about how many crime novels there are. How many of them are truly original? But people love the genre, so books keep getting published. The great material will always rise to the top. People thought television was going to be a fad when it first came out, but it's still with us. I think showrunners are treating these shows very much like a short story collection right now. It’s chance to tell a story over time that's not as limiting (or financial crippling) as a major feature film. There's just so many ways you can explore characters and plots.

Take "Fargo" for example. Great movie that you wouldn't think would make for a good series. Yet, it's great. Writers are always going to come up with good stories. I think the form is constantly being reinvented and that's a good thing. The landscape should encourage future screenwriters (and writers in general), not discourage them.

Sean: Wow. That sums up the writing landscape perfectly.

Daniel: That's why I believe in what we do. There are roughly a gazillion blogs, bazillion literary websites, and a plethora of other content publishers online. But how many actually stand out for good reasons, not salacious ones? Sure, every market is saturated in some way, but there are so many niche readerships, audiences, and communities that can support fledging operations. If we had unlimited resources, we'd maybe have a sleeker website design, we'd have a sound studio to record pods, and we'd serve Blanton's in our water coolers. But would we really do anything all that differently? Probably not. We'd just be able to do more of it with greater frequency and depth. At least before our cocaine addictions.

Sean: ...The blow always gets me...always...

But you are correct. If we had the resources we would be able to make the website sleeker and make this better and that better, but it would not make the content better. You could have a million dollars invested into a website or television show, but if the content is poor the show is going to be poor.

Unless it’s "NCIS."

THE BONEYARD ARCHIVES

The Boneyard: Sharpening Your Literary Blade

By Daniel Ford and Sean Tuohy

Daniel: So lately, whether we like a book or movie, we can usually find a moment, stretch of dialogue, or character that we remember fondly. I recently re-sold you on a couple of books that you gave up on, and you always suggest a movie I should see even if it's true for that one good thing.

My question is, are we a product of consuming so much content we can identify something to critique in everything or are we doing this because we're born storytellers and like seeing how the sausage is made?

Sean: It's a mix. We are born storytellers, yes, but that is a talent that has to be skilled and shaped and the only way we can do that is by consuming content.

Think of a writer's mind like a blade. It starts out dull and unable to slice butter. The blade has to be sharpened over time to be used properly. So when we are younger learn and sharpen our mind.

As we get old the blade becomes dull from use. We have to sharpen it back up. That is why any writer worth a damn is reading and writing all the time. They are always working on the craft.

For every hour you spend writing you need to spend another hour reading.

Daniel: Wow, I love everything about what you just said.

Makes writing the headline for this chain easy. 

And you're right. I never feel like I'm slacking off when I'm reading or watching something. It's research in a lot of ways. And everything, including the crap, should make you excited about your own work.

Take a show like "Rectify." I'm sure that not many people have even heard of it. It's about a man who is let off death row after spending most of his adult life there. The show follows him as he tries to put back together his existence. It's so quiet and subtle at times it feels like I'm invading these characters privacy (much like the experience you had with "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy"). After watching a couple of episodes, I never feel like I'm wasting my time. I soak in how the characters interact with each other, why the director chose one angle over another, or how the plot comes together slowly like a stew. 

Same goes for a novel. Even if I'm slogging through it, I learn things that I can apply to my own work. Every book and movie offers a lesson, so it's important to keep a notebook around whenever you're binging watching or reading. 

Sean: 100% every form of content—book, movie, poem—offers some insight into the creative mind. From the worse film to the best novel, you are going to learn something.

I should keep a notebook handy. That would be really helpful. How many times have you thought "great idea" and then forgot it about an hour later?

I have recently started keeping a notebook at my desk at work and when I think of scene, some dialog, or a log line I write it down. Some times I forget what I wrote down and when I look thought the book I surprise myself with something.

Daniel: That happens to me too often sadly. Although the notebook feature on the iPhone has saved my bacon more than a time or two.

We've talked about this, but ideas tend to hit me right before I pass out for the night. Sometimes I'll start teasing out an idea, get something I really like, and then fall asleep. Typically I can retain it that morning in some form, but it's not as pure. There’s nothing more soul crushing than a lost idea, especially a good one.

Sean: Agreed, nothing more soul crushing then losing an idea. You strain to get it back but nothing happens. A feeling I love is when you have a long-standing idea that would never work but then some happens and it clicks. It is brilliant.

I've had long standing ideas that never worked out. Something was missing. It felt hollow and small. But then something pops into my head and the light bulb just pops.

Have you thought about leaving the notepad next to the bed? Just flip over and write down the idea. A word or phrase that you can review in the morning.

Daniel: Oh, it's there. Sometimes I don't have the energy to reach over and grab it.

Keep those ideas around. Maybe it didn't work for that particular project, but it could end up being perfect for a project down the line. Kill your darlings, but keep their corpses around! 

To join the conversation, use the comments section below or tweet us @WritersBone.

THE BONEYARD ARCHIVES

Writing Supplies: 10 More Cool Gifts for Writers

By Daniel Ford

As I mentioned last year, shopping for writers is a pain in the ass.

Sure, there’s plenty of booze you can choose from, but how original is that? Plus, by now, you must have gotten your writer a dozen bottles for the holidays. Being a writer is hard enough without someone encouraging a dependency issue.

With that in mind, I scoured the Internet and found 10 more cool gifts for the writer in your life.

Plotting in Pink

I love everything about this pink typewriter. Its price tag is a little steep, but it might be worth it for the Instagram pictures Stephanie Schaefer would cook up.

Write On

I have firsthand knowledge that this mug actually changes colors when it’s hot. By the time “Write On” appears after you’ve poured in your hot beverage of choice, you’re ready to start hitting the keys.  

Master Class

Forget James Patterson’s Web series! This book is all you need to become a better writer.

Serving Up Thrilling Plots

My mother shared these on my Facebook wall, so I’m pretty sure I know what I’m getting for Christmas. I can’t imagine a better landing place for my typewriter waffles.

Hot and Cold

There’s nothing worse than reaching for your mug after typing away for a good chunk of time to find your coffee has gone cold. This product would fix that problem once and for all. I don’t want to think too hard about how it works, so I’ll just be satisfied with scalding my lips hours after I poured a fresh cup.  

Shower Journal

Hey, you can do more than weep in the shower now!

Wall Art

If you’re going to stare at the wall for hours at a time while trying to come up with what happens next in your novel, you might as well space out to something funny, yet inspiring.

You’re the Best…According to the Mouse Pad…

You may not believe it, but your mouse pad sure can! Everyone needs an extra boast of inspiration, so why not have it at your fingertips!

Composition Shoes

Last year, we included literary high heels. This year, we provide a more sensible, comfortable option for the female scribe in your life.

Lead Socks

If you get those shoes, you’re going to need stylish socks. And these are Scantron friendly!

The Boneyard Archives 

The Name is… The Top 5 James Bond Moments

By Sean Tuohy

James Bond, the tuxedo-wearing British super-spy that we all love, swaggered back into theaters this weekend in the newest installment in the long running film series. “Spectre” may have not been a hit with critics or audiences, but it inspired us to take a look back at the our favorite James Bondian moments that only martini-swilling spy could pull off.

Fixing His Tie While Driving a Tank…Through a City

Who hasn’t done a double take in the mirror while driving to make sure they look good? Bond does it too…only he does it while driving a 30-ton tank through a brick wall in one of Russia’s largest cities.

Being Reassuring During a Shoot Out

Getting shot at by terrorist can be extreme stressful...unless you’re 007. In that case, you simply wink.

Trying on a Tux

Most of us are filled with shame and self-loathing when we examine ourselves in a tight-fitting penguin suit, however, angels get wings when Bond does it.

Hey, What Time Is It?

Time to woo a beautiful woman and save the world.

Introducing Himself

Need we say more…

For more posts from The Boneyard, check out our full archive.

15 Newsy Treasures I Found at the Newseum

By Daniel Ford

Contributing editor Stephanie Schaefer, photo essayist Cristina Cianci, and I recently traveled to Washington D.C. in search of brunch, books, and booze.

Like dutiful citizens, we also made pilgrimages to the capital city’s monuments and museums. I’ve been a news junkie since birth and a journalist by trade, so the Newseum was at the top of my list of places to visit. From the display of daily newspaper front pages to the exhibit detailing the press reaction to Lincoln’s assassination, the museum didn’t disappoint. 

Best enjoyed with a copy of coffee and a reporter’s notebook in your back pocket, these 15 newsy treasures should bring a smile to anyone with ink-stained hands.

Are You Experienced?

The “Reporting Vietnam” exhibit featured this 1960s outfit worn by guitar great Jimi Hendrix. I’m pretty sure my soul-eyed father would have ranked this on the top of his list had he been with us.

Press Pass

Unlike some of the other national museums in Washington D.C., the Newseum isn’t free. However, I felt I got my money’s worth just by standing close to the credentials journalist David Halberstam used while reporting in Vietnam from 1962 to 1964. Halberstam, who died tragically in a car accident in 2007, wrote some of the most important nonfiction books in U.S. history. His book The Best and the Brightest—a searing, in-depth investigation into the disastrous foreign policy developed toward Vietnam by the Kennedy and Johnson administrations—should be required reading for politicians and citizens alike. The same can be said for The Fifties, War in a Time of Peace: Bush, Clinton, and the Generals, and The Coldest Winter: America and the Korean War.

Cover Shoot

Cristina made the comment that she wouldn’t want to be the person in charge of hanging up all these newspapers from around the country and the globe. If anyone from the Newseum is reading this, I’m available should that person ever want to take an extended vacation.

Also, there’s a great quote by Daniel P. Moynihan above the display:

“If a person goes to a country and finds their newspapers filled with nothing but good news, there are good men in jail.”

Honest Abe

Lincoln wasn’t portrayed all that well in the press during his time in office, but he was smart enough to recognize the importance of an active, questioning press. I doubt he’d be whining about debate rules because of some “tough” questions…

History of News

According to the Newseum’s website, its News History Gallery “showcases nearly 400 historic newspaper front pages, newsbooks and magazines” from “more than 500 years of news history.” I could have spent a small eternity in this exhibit. 

Here are a few of my favorite front pages:

Captain Hemingway

It wouldn’t be a Writer’s Bone post without some mention of Ernest Hemingway. Above are his credentials during World War II. It’s worth noting that Hemingway once commandeered a hotel in France after the Allies marched into Paris. Needless to say, alcohol was served liberally. 

9/11

I remember buying all of the New York City newspapers the day after Sept. 11. I read most of The New York Times in the hallway of my high school before the first bell rang. I recall thinking that the words failed to capture the violence, tragedy, and sorrow featured in the graphic photographs on every page. Seeing all of the headlines from that day in one place gave me goose bumps and reminded me how essential media was in uniting the country in the face of that awful attack.

“Oppressed people cannot remain oppressed forever.”

The above is a bronze casting of Martin Luther King Jr.’s jail cell door in Birmingham, Ala. Behind this door he wrote his famous “Letter from a Birmingham Jail,” which eloquently explained his civil disobedience doctrine. I reread the letter for the first time in a number of years while writing this post and it still holds truths this generation should embrace, including one of my favorite lines:

Actually, we who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive. We bring it out in the open, where it can be seen and dealt with. Like a boil that can never be cured so long as it is covered up but must be opened with all its ugliness to the natural medicines of air and light, injustice must be exposed, with all the tension its exposure creates, to the light of human conscience and the air of national opinion before it can be cured.

Journalist Memorial

One of the more haunting aspects of this memorial commemorating journalists who have been killed reporting the news is the empty space above the photograph display. We remain a world at war and press freedom is constantly under attack from unenlightened and paranoid forces. Future deaths in the pursuit of truth are inevitable. Blaming the media has always been en vogue (and at times deserved), however, it’s grossly unfair and irresponsible for leaders of any nation to question the central role the press has in shaping an informed, engaged citizenship. Now, whenever I hear politicians or pundits rant against the “morals” and “ethics” of today’s media, I’ll think of this memorial and be reminded that the freedom to type these words doesn’t come cheap.

The Writer’s Bone News Team

I wandered away from Stephanie and Cristina toward the end of our visit and ended up on the news thanks to one of the Newseum’s staff members. Jean, whose last name I didn’t catch, led me over to The Interactive Newsroom, put a microphone in my hand, and told me to read the script. He said improvising was allowed if I felt the need. Of course, I chose a news scenario from the Civil War and thought I nailed it.

Jean was less than impressed. He complimented my voice, but said I needed more energy and charisma (and probably a shave). So he added Stephanie! She didn’t allow me to post the video, but here’s an image:

Let’s just say Jean had no complaints about that broadcast thanks to Stephanie’s bubbly personality and friendly smile.

For more posts from The Boneyard, check out our full archive.

The Boneyard: Are Journalists Really an Endangered Species?

By Daniel Ford

Earlier this week, Poynter reported that newspaper reporters landed on the annual list of endangered jobs for the second year in a row. Others on the list included meter readers, farmers, and mail careers (who are expected to lose 28 percent of their workforce by 2022).

This is not a good list to be on, obviously. It’s also not great that journalists found themselves at the very bottom of a list of the 200 worst jobs in the United States. My BS in Journalism wept.

So is being a journalist really that bad? Has the Internet and television killed the ink-stained newspaper star? I reached out to some of my favorite journos on Twitter to discuss the issues facing the industry and what the future might look like.

Daniel Ford: How’s everybody feeling about being on the endangered species list?

Matt DiVenere: The worst part? Most journalists left make the public hope it's a quick death.

Daniel: Does Anderson Cooper's performance during the Democratic debate on Tuesday (and Meghan Kelly’s during the first Republican debate) offer a glimmer of hope?

Lindsey Wojcik: You're talking two different industries now. Broadcast is a different ballgame. Print will not fully become extinct but entering the market with that emphasis will.

Matt: Absolutely. Local, small-market newspapers will outlast national papers. You can get national news anywhere. Local news, not so much.

Melissa Rose Bernardo (managing editor of JCK magazine): Let's hope so! (Kind of like small business versus big box retail.)

Daniel: I don't necessarily think they are all that different now. Journalist's number one job is asking tough, relevant questions to find truth.

Lindsey: I think there's more of a celebrity cache in broadcast. At least with networks.

Daniel: But wasn't there the same cache with print journalists in 1960s and 1970s?

Lindsey: Celebrity culture was nothing like it is today.

Daniel: I wouldn't tell that to William Randolph Hearst!

Matt: Television and print are two completely different worlds, especially today.

Daniel: Would we lose quality journalism if we start relying more on local newspapers? Local newspapers don’t have the budget or staff to tackle larger issues. Wouldn’t we miss out on some of the necessary investigative journalism performed by national papers? We’re already seeing it with major news organizations cutting back. Who ends up being the watchdog?

Matt: True, but local journalists have a bit more of a stake in local issues with more access.

Daniel: Are journos really going to school to write for their local paper?

Matt: A good journalist shouldn't be impacted by audience or market size.

Daniel: Who are these local writers aspiring to be? What's the standard?

Matt: It's more important for local writers to stand out than to aspire to be someone.

Daniel: But isn't the problem that standing out today means being more of an entertainer?

Matt: From a TV perspective, yes. But writers who go for the recognition get labeled as such. Standing out doesn't have to be for being an entertainer. Passion will always trump. Every journalist is different. Mimicking should be looked at as a no-no.

Daniel: So how do we cultivate good journalists? How do we avoid extinction?

Lindsey: There are too many problems to solve in a single Twitter thread.

To be continued…

To add to the discussion, comment below, weigh in on our Facebook page, or tweet us @WritersBone. For more posts from The Boneyard, check out our full archive.

The Top 20 Tweets From the First 2016 Democratic Primary Debate

By Daniel Ford

I hope Democratic Presidential contender Lincoln Chafee enjoyed his moment in the national spotlight because it will likely never shine on him again.

Wearing an ugly, mangled, green vomit slide of a tie, Chafee gave a historically bad answer explaining his vote to repeal the Glass-Steagall Act (transcript from Boston.com):

“Glass-Steagall was my very first vote,” Chafee said. “I had just arrived. My dad had died in office. I was appointed to the office. It was my very first vote—”

“Are you saying you didn’t know what you were voting for?” Cooper asked.

“I just arrived at Senate. I think we get some takeovers,” Chafee said.

Well, thanks for playing, Lincoln!

Jim Webb had a couple of good moments (and developed a bromance with Doc Brown…I mean Bernie Sanders), but was undone by incessantly whining he wasn’t getting enough time to talk about each issue. Not to mention a creepy, somewhat unseemly smirk following his humblebrag about killing an enemy soldier who had thrown a grenade at him. If it’s any consolation to Webb, my grandfather, a World War II veteran, would have voted for him in a heartbeat. 

Hillary Clinton and Sanders gave solid performances and had a couple of decent standout moments, as one might expect from the two most viable candidates. Oh, Mike O’Malley! I almost forgot about him. Did anyone else think he looked like he was experiencing the miracle of television for the first time? Every time he started to answer, O’Malley appeared as if he was producing his very first YouTube video.

Easy jokes aside, this debate showcased an actual discussion on difficult issues facing voters. The Republican’s debates featured a chorus of: "Me, myself, and I." The Democrats spoke of "voters, issues, you." Now, I’m not naïve enough to think that politicians aren’t self-serving narcissists running for their own personal legacies, however, it is nice to be reminded of who actually has the power in this election: Us. The billionaires and millionaires can plow as much money into this campaign as they want, but they can’t buy every vote, and they certainly can’t take away our right to speak and demand more from these yuuuuuuge losers.

Speaking of losers… You may be wondering why I didn’t do a post like this during the Republican debates. Well, the other side of the electorate, to borrow a phrase from Sanders, is a national embarrassment. If those candidates one day grow a conscience and stop hating women, minorities, the poor, and the LGBT community, I’ll consider acknowledging the current crop of Republican Presidential aspirants.

In the meantime, I’m going to applaud Anderson Cooper for his efforts to prove that journalism isn’t dead and enjoy the top 20 tweets from last night’s debate. Feel free to vehemently (but respectfully) disagree with me or add to the discussion in the comments section or on Twitter @danielfford.

For more posts from The Boneyard, check out our full archive.

The Boneyard: When Do You Give Up On A Bad Book or Movie?

From the desks of Sean Tuohy and Daniel Ford: At what point in reading a book or watching a movie do you know it's bad? At the beginning? In the middle? The end? How many books or movies have you dropped in the middle and never returned to? How bad does it need to be to walk away?

Rachel Tyner: I used to never stop reading a book or watching a movie, even if I didn't like it, because I had something against leaving it "unfinished."

Now, I'm getting older, and ain't nobody got time for that.

There are so many books and movies out there, so if I don't like something, I'm done with it. I try and give it three chances. Pick it up and read, get bored. Try again a few days later (or weeks, months, etc.). Try again one more time. Recently, this happened with Ender's Game. It seemed like I would love it "on paper" (haha, get it?), but it was seriously a terrible book.

I think you know pretty soon into a movie too. Remember "That Awkward Moment?" Terrible within the first five minutes. When something you are watching or reading is making your life less interesting (or even less fun, if that's the movie/book you are reading), what's the point?

Daniel Ford: I remember walking out of the theater during "That Awkward Moment" with you, Sean, and Steph. It was that moment one of the female characters' father dies and Zac Efron has to have a powwow with his boys to decide whether he wants to go or not because he doesn't want to be considered the girl's boyfriend. That movie still owes me money.

I tried to get into Ender's Game a bunch of times as well. Couldn't do it. Dune, same thing. I used to read much more nonfiction than I do now, and I'd bounce around from book to book if I got to a slower section or if my interests pulled me in another direction, but it's tough for me to put down a book for good.

I mentioned to Sean that I read a book recently that was awful, just awful. It had a good, strong opening, and then became 12 novels in one and none of them were good. And I hate read the rest. I complained to everyone I know. Must of the reactions were, "Well, just stop reading it." But by reading the whole thing I got a great lesson on failure (not that I needed one), and how learn how not to write dialogue.

That being said, you're right about time. It's one thing if all you're doing all day is sitting on the beach reading shitty paperbacks, but all of us have to work for a living. Why torture yourself when something isn't good? Better to go write something great than read something terrible!

Matt DiVenere: I have had the absolute worst luck with movies lately. It's basically a curse at this point. Here's the order of the last few movies I've watched that were offensively bad:

  • “The Drop”
  • “Hot Pursuit”
  • “Focus”
  • “Pitch Perfect 2”

I know that I should take the blame for some of these, but yikes. If I were the creators of “The Drop,” knowing that it's James Gandolfini's last movie, I would have burnt every single copy of that mess and sent the remains up into space rather than have that movie be in his IMDB profile.

The only reason why I watched the whole movie was to be able to fully hate them and thoroughly discuss my hate for them with anyone who asks.

Also, you know a movie is bad right away. The dialogue, the acting, and the soundtrack. Those are my three strikes.

Gary Almeter: I spent 2006 reading Theodore Dresier's An American Tragedy. It took an entire year and I hated every minute of it but just thought it was something I should have read. Never again. Now, if something doesn't grab me by page three or four I put it down and it is dead to me.

I walked out of "The Flintstones" starring John Goodman and Elizabeth Perkins. 

Daniel: I have fond memories of going to see "The Flintstones" with my family. It was one of the rare times in those days that my father had a Saturday morning off. I'm convinced he still regrets taking us to the movies that day.

I'm also more selective now that my time is so divided. I won't necessarily pick up a book that I'm on the fence about if I get in another book that I know I'll probably love. The one time I was swayed by some fall lists and picked up something I originally dismissed, I got burned with a crappy read.  

Lisa Carroll: I feel slightly ashamed to admit that I've tried to read The Hobbit about a dozen times since 2001 when "The Lord of the Rings" movie came out (because I will not break my rule about seeing a movie before I've read the book) and I just can't get past the damn dwarf party. Needless to say I have yet to see any of the films.

However, I do teach the "three strikes and you're out" rule to my kids. I tell them, "Give a book three chapters because sometimes the author takes a little longer with the exposition and if you get through three chapters and he/she hasn't captured you, put it down." I general stick with that rule myself. Except when I have to read a book for school.

The hard part about being a middle school librarian is when I have to read all 20 Nutmeg nominees and then book talk them and convince the kids that I love them all. That's where my degree in theater really pays off.

To add to the discussion, comment below, weigh in on our Facebook page, or tweet us @WritersBone.

For more posts from The Boneyard, check out our full archive.

15 Tips From Our Favorite Authors On How To Be A Better Writer

By Daniel Ford

Summer is over. Fall isn’t just approaching, it’s here. The sunshine doesn’t hang around as long as it used to, and warm socks and boots have replaced shorts and flip-flops.

If you’re not careful, or have been listening to Robert Masiello’s autumn playlist, things could get depressing in a hurry. That’s why I compiled 15 tips from our favorite authors on how to be a better writer. These should keep your creative tank full well into the winter months.

If you have any advice of your own, feel free to comment below or tweet us @WritersBone. Keep writing!

Kirstin Valdez Quade

Kirstin Valdez Quade (Photo credit: Maggie Shipstead)

Kirstin Valdez Quade (Photo credit: Maggie Shipstead)

The advice that I keep in mind as I’m working comes from Alice Munro: “The only choice I make is to write about what interests me in a way that interests me, that gives me pleasure.” Staying faithful to your interests is really liberating, and allows you to takes risks in your work. Plus, if you’re interested in the story you’re telling, that energy and urgency is bound to come through, and it’s far more likely your reader will also be interested.

Joe Hill

Joe Hill

Joe Hill

Over the years, I’ve had a lot of good advice from some brilliant writers. But I never really learned that much from all the kind, well-meant suggestions and clever tips. They didn’t stick with me. Just about everything I learned about writing a good book I learned from reading lots and lots of good books. I studied the novels I loved. I read them over and over, sometimes with a pen and highlighter, taking notes. Once, I spent a month rewriting the first five chapters of Elmore Leonard’s The Big Bounce, just to get the feel of his sentences.

Paula Hawkins

Paula Hawkins (Photo credit: Kate Neil)

Paula Hawkins (Photo credit: Kate Neil)

Perseverance is all, and whenever you’re feeling disheartened, read On Writing by Stephen King. He knows of what he speaks, and he’s really funny, too.

Dimitry Elias Léger

Dimitry Elias Léger (Photo Credit: Jason Liu)

Dimitry Elias Léger (Photo Credit: Jason Liu)

Write like you’re part of a continuum of novelists. Know the history and highlights of your genre and your settings inside and out. Novelists should be like painters, building and riffing on traditions that go back centuries. Also read a lot of poetry, and poetic prose, since you are what you read. And for god’s sake, have a sense of humor.

Brian Panowich

Brian Panowich (Photo credit: David Kernaghan)

Brian Panowich (Photo credit: David Kernaghan)

Mainly, be wary of other author’s advice, especially those that make their money solely by giving it. There really are no rules. I’m not saying don’t ask questions of the writers you admire (I did) or that all “how-to” books are snake oil. Studying your profession and using the bits and pieces that make sense to you are essential, but any book, seminar, or pay-to-play contest that promises the moon can be downright predatory. Only three things are going to help you produce art for a living. Producing art, letting people see it, and doing both of those things with fearless tenacity. And none of that will cost you a dime.

Liana Maeby

Liana Maeby (Photo credit: Jeremy Hunt Schoenherr)

Liana Maeby (Photo credit: Jeremy Hunt Schoenherr)

I wish I had something better than “sit down and write,” but I really don’t. Write, and rewrite, and don’t be too hard on yourself if something isn’t working. There’s a huge learning curve, and the only way to get through it is to keep your head down and work for longer than seems sane or reasonable. The good news is that if you have a writer’s heart, the above will seem like a fun challenge rather than a chore!

Matthew Thomas

Matthew Thomas

Matthew Thomas

Work as hard as you can and forgive yourself when you’re either not working as much as you think you should or producing work that you think is worth showing anybody. It’s a hard life in the first place and as productive as it can be to censure oneself, and as useful as it sometimes can be to feel bad about things like a lack of productivity, it can also be damaging, because there may be a reason you aren’t writing much at a certain time. Maybe you’re soaking up some of life, reading more, internalizing unconsciously the rhythms of the language, or learning about human beings and understanding people as characters. I think that if one chooses the writing life, there is so much failure, difficulty, and seemingly fruitless striving in it that the kinder one can be to oneself at any point in the process, the better.

Aliza Licht

Aliza Licht

Aliza Licht

Build your network before you need it. Get your website up and running months before pub date. Secure your book’s Twitter handle and start building that audience. I recommend this even if you plan on responding from your personal handle. Having your book’s own Twitter handle is like giving it a home. All the conversations around it come launch should be amplified through that handle.

Alan Cheuse

Alan Cheuse

Alan Cheuse

Find a master and learn from him or her, and read deep and widely to find those in the past who can tutor you in the present.

Jennifer Steil

Jennifer Steil

Jennifer Steil

Write every day. Write when you are not inspired. Write when you only have five minutes. Write while your daughter is building a farm for bunnies around your ankles. Just write.

Carmiel Banasky

Carmiel Banasky

Carmiel Banasky

Be kind! That includes being kind to yourself. That berating voice—“I’m not writing enough,” “I’m not good enough,” etc., etc.—doesn’t aid the work. It doesn’t make you a better person or writer. As soon as I gave myself permission to write less or to write badly, I started writing more, and with more freedom. You have to show up at the desk to get the work done, of course, but once you are there, it won’t do you any harm, no matter how cheesy, to take a deep breath and remind yourself that you’re awesome.

Joe Schwartz

Joe Schwartz

Joe Schwartz

Get an editor before you do anything casually like self-publish a book or go hunting for an agent. The more professional you can appear, literally on paper, the more seriously your work will be considered.

Tania James

Tania James (Photo credit: Melissa Stewart Photography)

Tania James (Photo credit: Melissa Stewart Photography)

I have a handful of reader friends whose advice I rely on heavily, even when it’s tough love time. I think it’s important to find those writerly mates who have your back, as you have theirs.

Hester Young

Hester Young (Photo credit: Francine Daveta Photography)

Hester Young (Photo credit: Francine Daveta Photography)

I’ve said this elsewhere, but I think it’s an important paradox to wrap your brain around: as a writer, you need both the humility to accept criticism and the dumb confidence to withstand rejection. Learn to be grateful for thoughtful criticism, not afraid of it, because that will shape your work more than any compliment. Also, people tend to romanticize publication, to see it as a sign that your work is at last “good enough.” In an age of Amazon and Goodreads and book blogs, however, publishing means you are opening yourself up to more rejection than ever before. At the end of the day, the writing has to be for you.

David Joy

David Joy (Photo credit: Alan Rhew)

David Joy (Photo credit: Alan Rhew)

Persistence. That’s it. That’s the difference between people who make it and people who don’t. I wrote for a very, very long time before I ever got to anything close to something publishable. Some of the earliest writing I had was on notebook paper and I kept it in shoeboxes, and my mother called one day to see what I wanted to do with it. There was probably a thousand pages and I told her to take all of it out into the yard and set it on fire in the burn barrel. A lot of people can’t understand that, but it was the fact that I knew the writing wasn’t any good. It was important. I had to get it out of me. But once it was out, there was no other use for it. I’m probably well into 2,000 pages now and I’m still not anything close to what I would consider good. Whereas that might seem futile to some, it’s that futility that makes it so beautiful. It’s knowing that I’ll do this the rest of my life and never get it just right that makes it worthwhile. You know, Faulkner said if the artist were ever able to get it perfect, “nothing would remain but to cut his throat, jump off the other side of that pinnacle of perfection into suicide,” and I think that’s true. There just wouldn’t be anything else to do with your life.

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The Boneyard: To Critique or Not To Critique?

From the desk of Sean Tuohy: "Has being a writer/photographer/designer affected the way you enjoy books, movies, art, photography, or television shows? Are you able to unplug long enough to enjoy the experience, or are you constantly on the lookout for things to critique?"

Alex Tzelnic: I am constantly being critiqued for how critical I am. Nary a pop cultural experience passes by without my friends expecting me to expectorate all over it. The truth is, not only do I love so many things, but I also love to hate so many other things for failing to achieve the standards of the things I love. Why devote hours to an experience only to passively move on to the next? I'd rather parse the minutiae, debate the details, and become fully immersed in the consumption of culture. I critique because I care.

Sean Tuohy: I can unplug and enjoy myself when reading a book. I'm a reader and not a writer at that moment. However, when it comes to television and movies, the screenwriter in me is very critical of the pacing, the dialog, everything.

Yet, I still watch “Empire.”

Daniel Ford: I've discovered I'm way more critical of written communication than I ever was in my twenties. Once you learn the rules, and know how to bend and break them effectively, it's tough to read something that is written poorly. Typos in articles, lists, and emails now stand out like me in a hot yoga studio. It doesn't necessarily make me devalue the content, but it makes me question why this person didn't have a more competent editor. 

Then again, I once went on a diatribe about being a stickler for the rules entitled "F U Grammar Po Po," so I could just be full of shit.

Reading a novel is different. I think I give authors more leeway than say a blogger or journalist. A book has to be really bad for me to start tearing it apart midway through. But I do notice and appreciate when authors do things that surprise or impress me in regards to sentence structure, characterization, or word choice. It all fits into the writer's toolbox I cart around.

Lisa Carroll: Being an English teacher certainly puts me on high alert when it comes to reading just about anything, especially personal and professional communications. I spend a great deal of time crafting emails and letters and I expect others to do the same. Blogs, editorials, opinion pieces, and some “news” articles (especially in our local paper) make me want to cringe and I have, on occasion, sent an article in after brandishing my red pen and marking it up. Apparently everyone knows I'm a little judgy because a friend of mine recently sent me a shirt that says, "I am silently correcting your grammar." (Like I do anything silently!)

However, as a theater educator, I am never able to unplug at a show. I am constantly hyper-aware of the technical elements. “Where is that light coming from?” “How did that set piece move that way?” “How did she change so quickly?” “Is that a wig?” I'm also aware of directorial decisions: “Why did she cross there?” “Was he really the best person for this part?” “I love the relationship they've built between the father and the daughter."

No matter the level—local, educational, professional, or location—from Bristol to Broadway, I cannot just watch a show. And my daughter has been blessed/cursed with the same critical eye so when we go to a show together we deconstruct every moment. And she is also a grammar Nazi who will probably have a few comments on this piece. It's pretty awesome that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

To add to the discussion, comment below, weigh in on our Facebook page, or tweet us @WritersBone.

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What Your Favorite Meryl Streep Performance Says About You

By Gary M. Almeter

Linda in “The Deer Hunter”

You once made the beach-themed cupcakes (with marzipan starfish, graham cracker sand, and fondant beach balls) that you saw on Pinterest for your best friend’s summer outdoor baby shower and, goddamn, if your cupcakes didn’t turn out better than the picture on Pinterest!

Jill Davis in “Manhattan”

You loved your new sporty modern bikini bra you bought from Urban Outfitters with its banded cutout detailing, its sleek silhouette, and its strappy scoop neck, but then your boyfriend ruined it by throwing it in the washing machine and it is sold out online.

Joanna Kramer in “Kramer vs. Kramer”

For your 21st birthday, you and some girl friends went to “The Price is Right” and you wore a t-shirt that said “Kiss Me Bob Barker—I’m 21 Today.” You neither got called to be a contestant nor kissed that day and have been resentful ever since (but that Bob Barker sounds like a sick crazy fuck anyway, so fuck him). 

Sarah Woodruff/Anna in “The French Lieutenant’s Woman”

You once created a stir at your book club when you suggested that Pilates did not count as strength training.

Sophie Zawistowskiin “Sophie’s Choice”

You swear—and have asked your primary care physician to certify this to a reliable degree of medical certainty—that you pee more often when you’re wearing a button-up romper.

Karen Silkwood in “Silkwood”  

Sometimes you just want to yank out your uterus and smack it around for being such a bitch when you’ve been nothing but kind and considerate to it.

Susan Traherne in “Plenty”

You get bikini waxes with some frequency and after each one you can’t help but ask yourself, “Was that really worth it?”

Karen Blixen in “Out of Africa”

You make 77% of what your male counterparts make but you sort of don’t even give a shit about the gender pay gap because you get stoned with your boss at lunch from time to time and you can wear sleeveless blouses on casual Friday.  

Rachel Samstat in “Heartburn”

The cup size on the bustier you just bought at Marshall’s seems a little bit off. Also, you definitely had a poster of Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” in your dorm room in college

Helen Archer in “Ironweed”

You and your girlfriend had a three-way with Seal when he played the Orpheum in 1995.

Lindy Chamberlain in “A Cry in the Dark”

Your period tends to come the day after you buy a pregnancy test and you’re always like, “Quit playing games with me, okay uterus?”

Mary Fisher in “She-Devil”

You could very much go for a nice long fuck right about now. Also, why is it so hard to hard to find classic rock t-shirts that are cut for women?

Suzanne Vale in “Postcards from the Edge”

You would love it if one day you could eat, oh I don’t know, a fucking cheeseburger and not feel guilty about it?

Madeline Ashton in “Death Becomes Her”

You were at a job interview once and the interviewer was staring at your cleavage the whole time and you were all, “What the fuck?” And then in the elevator you looked down and guess what? You had a chocolate stain on your blouse. 

Clara del Valle Trueba in “The House of the Spirits”

You borrowed your roommate’s Tory Burch “Louisa” ballet flats without asking one autumn and subsequently trashed them as you were tailgating before the big game. When you got back to your apartment your roommate wasn’t back from her shift at Legal Sea Foods so you just threw them in the dumpster behind your building and your roommate thought she lent them to her sister.

Gail Hartman in “The River Wild”

“To shave your legs or not to shave your legs?” That is the question you ask yourself each morning from October through March. On the one hand, smooth legs are sexy and, on the other hand, you can just wear leggings all fall and winter. 

Francesca Johnson in “The Bridges of Madison County”

You’re wearing the prettiest bra and silk shantung jacket today but every time you lean over it’s like “Free the nipples!” and you’re like, “Whoa!”

Kate Gulden in “One True Thing”

You cannot find any patio furniture that you like.

Roberta Guaspari in “Music of the Heart”

There was definitely a long adjustment period but you finally got to the point where you kinda liked having short hair. It’s nice needing the tiniest amounts of conditioner and product. However, last week you went to get a trim and your friends were dumbfounded as to why you were not letting your hair grow out

Susan Orlean in “Adaptation”

You would rather stand on the bus and/or train holding on to an Ebola-slathered pole, than sit next to a dude as the dude would inevitably sit with his legs spread wide open and why the fuck do dudes get to sit with their legs spread wide open but you can’t and if you do you get admonished, explicitly and implicitly, for not sitting like a lady? 

Clarissa Vaughan in “The Hours”

You were talking to your gym crush the other day and you’re pretty sure you smiled when he told you that he and his girlfriend had just broken up and you’re wondering if he noticed.

Lisa Metzger in “Prime”

Victoria’s Secret has no bras in your size. Do you sweat it? No! You go to Kohl’s where you can get Hanes and Bali bras—underwire bras, wire-free bras, sports bras, minimizer bras, sexy and seductive bras, any kind of bras—for less than half the price!

Miranda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada”

Once you were watching “New Girl” while lying on your couch and you lost your phone. You were freaking out but then you remembered that you set your phone on your boobs.

Janine Roth in “Lions for Lambs”

It is 7:00 a.m. and you are craving corn dogs right now.

Donna Sheridan in “Mamma Mia!”  ­

Your favorite drink is the mojito. However, no drink exemplifies the problems that arise when a drink is made without precisely measuring its ingredients better than the mojito. It’s basically a fucking crapshoot every time you order one. 

Sister Aloysius Beauvier in “Doubt”

You cannot walk through Target without spending at least $150.

Julia Child in “Julia & Julia”

It’s time for you to go bra shopping again and you fear you will have to sell a fucking kidney or something so you can afford it.

Jane Adler in “It’s Complicated”

You just bought this dress from J. Crew but it’s apparently sort of vanity sized and it was a final sale so you can’t return it. It’ll cost more to have it tailored than the dress actually cost and for fuck’s sake.

Margaret Thatcher in “The Iron Lady”

You refuse to buy feminine products from young male cashiers. If there are only young male cashiers at the open registers at whatever Walgreen’s or CVS you are at, you will walk or drive to a different Walgreen’s or CVS. 

Violet Weston in “August: Osage County”

Your go-to Halloween costume is getting dressed up as Audrey Hepburn from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

Witch in “Into the Woods”

You had your period the entire week of band camp for three years in a row.

Ricki in “Ricki and the Flash”

The prestigious East Coast college you went to subtly emanated, over a period of four years, a concept of the ideal American woman, who is nothing short of fantastic. She must be a successful wife, mother, community contributor, and possibly career woman, all at once. Besides this, she must be attractive, charming, gracious, and good-humored. She must talk intelligently about her husband’s job, but not try to horn in on it, keep her home looking like a page out of House Beautiful, and be efficient (but not intimidatingly so). While she is managing all this, she must be relaxed and happy, find time to read, paint, and listen to music, think philosophical thoughts, be the keeper of culture in the home, and raise her husband’s sights above the television set. And you’re like, “Umm. No.” 

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'Sal’s Notorious Eggnogeria'

By Gary M. Almeter

Scenes from Spike Lee’s “Do the Right Thing” reimagined to reflect “Sal’s Famous Pizzeria” being replaced with “Sal’s Notorious Eggnogeria,” which sells only eggnog, obviously.

PLACE: A block of Bedford‐Stuyvesant in Brooklyn, N.Y. A host of residents, each with effervescent and colorful personalities mill about the sidewalks. Sal’s Notorious Eggnogeria is a popular, nondescript—though well cared—or hangout at the corner of the block. The colorful scene provides no indication of the hate and bigotry smoldering thereupon.

TIME: Summer 1989

WEATHER: It is the hottest day of the year and it is hot as shit! Even though it is early morning, you can literally see the heat rising form the pavement already. People are in a hurry to get their shit done before it gets too hot.

***

INTERIOR: SAL’S NOTORIOUS EGGNOGERIA. EARLY MORNING. Mookie, Sal’s nonchalant but loyal longstanding eggnog delivery person, saunters into Sal’s Notorious Eggnogeria as Sal, the owner, is pouring heavy cream into a large crystal bowl. His son Pino separates whites from yolks in dozens of eggs while Vito, Sal’s younger son, replenishes the nutmeg shakers behind the counter.

PINO: Mookie, late again! How many times I gotta tell you?

MOOKIE: Hello Sal. Hello Vito.

VITO: Whaddup?

MOOKIE: Just coolin’.

PINO: (beating the egg yolks aggressively) You’re still late.

SAL: Pino, relax, will ya.

PINO: Here Mookie, take the broom and sweep the front sidewalk.

MOOKIE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I just got here. You sweep. I betcha Sal asked you first anyhow.

VITO: (having replenished the nutmeg canisters, has moved over to the range where he combines the milk and heavy cream and waits for it to boil) That’s right.

PINO: Shaddup Vito.

MOOKIE: Fuck that shit. I deliver eggnog. That’s what I get paid for.

PINO: (who, with even more aggression than that with which he beat the egg yolks, beats the egg whites until they form soft peaks) You get paid to do what we say.

***

INTERIOR:  SAL’S NOTORIOUS EGGNOGERIA. EARLY AFTERNOON. Customers are in Sal’s. It’s lunchtime and it’s fairly busy. Sal puts a porcelain cup of his famous eggnog down on the counter in front of Buggin’ Out, an energetic hip‐hop boy.

SAL: You paying now or on layaway?

BUGGIN’ OUT: (looking at the cup of eggnog) How much?

SAL: You come in here at least three times a fucking day. Are you a retard? A buck fifty.

BUGGIN’ OUT: Sal, put some more whipped cream on top of that motherfucker.

SAL: Extra whipped cream is two dollars. You know dat.

BUGGIN’ OUT: Two dollars! Forget it. (Buggin’ Out slams a dollar bill and two quarters down on the counter, takes his cup of eggnog and sits down.)

(All round Buggin’ Out, peering down from the Wall of Fame, are signed, framed, eight by ten glossies of famous eggs. We see Faberge eggs, Easter eggs, Egghead from the Batman television show, and of course, Humpty Dumpty. Buggin’ Out looks at the pictures hovering above him as though for the first time. The expression on his face turns from one of elation to one of anger at the injustice at not having any brothers on the wall.)

***

INTERIOR: SAL’S NOTORIOUS EGGNOGERIA.  LATER THAT AFTERNOON. As we see Radio Raheem walk—more like bop—into Sal’s with the heavy thump thump thump of his boom box. The size of his boom box is tremendous and one has to think how does he carry something that big around with him? It must weigh a ton and it seems like Sal’s is shaking as the rap music blares out. The song we hear, “Fight the Power” by Public Enemy, is the only one Radio Raheem plays.

RADIO RAHEEM: Gimme two cups of eggnog!

SAL: (shouting) No service til you turn dat shit off.

RADIO RAHEEM: Two cups of motherfucking eggnog!!

PINO: (shouting) Turn it off.

SAL: (shouting) Mister Radio Raheem, I can’t even hear myself think. You are disturbing me and you are disturbing my customers.

(Sal grabs his Mickey Mantle bat from underneath the vats of eggnog sitting atop the counter. Everyone—Sal, Vito, Pino, Radio Raheem, and the customers—are poised for something to happen.)

RADIO RAHEEM: (Smiling as he turns off the radio) Two cups of eggnog, both with whipped cream and a cinnamon stick.

SAL: (putting the Mickey Mantle bat back into its place) When you come into Sal’s, no music. No rap, no music. Capisce? Understand? This is a place of business. Whipped cream and a cinnamon stick are two dollars.

RADIO RAHEEM: And put some motherfucking sprinkles on that whipped cream.

SAL: (removing the jar of rainbow colored sprinkles from the shelf above his head) Sprinkles are an extra fifty cents.

***

INTERIOR: SAL’S NOTORIOUS EGGNOGERIA. LATER THAT NIGHT SAL: (taking a seat at one of the tables) I’m beat.

PINO: (sitting down next to his father) Pop, I think we should sell this place, get outta here while we are still ahead…and alive.

SAL: Since when do you know what’s best for us?

PINO: Couldn’t we sell this one and open up a new one in our own neighborhood?

SAL: There’s already too many eggnog shops already there.

PINO: Then we could try something else.

SAL: We don’t know nuthin’ else. All we know is eggnog.

***

INTERIOR: SAL’S NOTORIOUS EGGNOGERIA. Police Officers Ponte and Long are awaiting their eggnog orders. SAL: (gingerly ladling eggnog from the crystal punch bowl behind him into two porcelain cups) They’re almost ready officers.

OFFICER LONG: What time are you closing tonight?

SAL: (garnishing the two cups of eggnog with nutmeg) Ten o’clock. And here you go officers.

OFFICER PONTE: What do we owe you?

SAL: Three dollars

OFFICER PONTE: Here.

SAL: Thanks. Enjoy.

(The officers leave just as Mookie enters. They look at each other with mutual disdain and distrust.)

MOOKIE: (Tossing his thermal eggnog delivery case onto the counter) Sal, if you want me to deliver any faster, get me a jet rocket or something, cuz I can’t run with eggnog, it ends up sloshing to and fro in the cups and the nutmeg and whipped cream gets all fucked up and shit.

SAL: I didn’t say nuthin’. You must have a guilty conscience. What are you guilty of?

MOOKIE: I’m not guilty of nuthin’.

SAL: You must be guilty of something or you would have never come in saying the things you said.

MOOKIE: Come on Sal.

SAL: Where we goin? (Sal laughs at his own joke. And adds a splash of vanilla extract into the egg nog bowl.)

***

INTERIOR: SAL’S REFRESHING EGGNOG. NIGHT . Vito, Pino and Mookie are cleaning up the dining area as Sal wipes the residual eggnog out of the punch bowls.

MOOKIE: Sal, it’s almost quitting time so please start counting my pay. I gotta get paid.

SAL: (looking into the cash register happily) We did a good business today. There ain’t nothing like eggnog on a scorching summer day. We got a good thing going. Nothing like a family in business together. One day the both of you will take over…and Mookie there will always be a place here for you at Sal’s. Ya know, it should be Sal & Sons’!

(All three look at each other. The horror is on their faces, with the prospect of working, slaving in Sal & Sons’ Notorious Eggnogeria, trapped for the rest of their lives. Then, four customers enter.)

SAL: We are about to close.

CUSTOMER 1: Just give us four cups, regular cups of egg nog with regular nutmeg and a cinnamon stick garnish. Please! To go!

SAL: (Retrieving his ladle from the sink and going to the walk in cooler.) Ok. But that’s it. It’s been a long day.

MOOKIE: (Talking to the four customers at their table.) Look, I want you to get your eggnog then get outta here. No playing around. We gots to leave.

CUSTOMER 2: You got it.

(From outside we hear the thump thump of Radio Raheem’s boom box. As everyone turns their heads to the door, Buggin’ Out and Radio Raheem come inside. The music is louder than ever.)

SAL: What did I tell you ‘bout dat noise?

BUGGIN’ OUT: What did I tell you bout dem pictures?

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‘Hills Like Almond Milk’

Photo courtesy of Manel on Flickr

Photo courtesy of Manel on Flickr

Editor’s Note: If you haven’t read Ernest Hemingway’s brilliant “Hills Like White Elephants,” well, what the fuck? Read it! Do it now! Okay, good, welcome back. Now you can read Alex Tzelnic satire without feeling like a heel because you blew off English class back in the day trying to impress someone who had already put in the friend zone. Enjoy!—Daniel Ford

By Alex Tzelnic

The hills across the valley were white. Not like, completely, perfectly white, like a sheet of printer paper. But like, kind of milky, though not quite two percent milk. Maybe more like almond milk. The hills were like almond milk.

The train station was between two railways. The railways were what the trains traveled on. The station was in the middle of them. It was very bright. Sunglasses were definitely an asset. The man had on a pair. So did the girl. They took them off as they parted the bead curtain and entered the train station bar. The beads kept the flies out. The beads were terrible at their job. It was hot and the flies buzzed and the man and the girl sat at a table. The express from Barcelona would come in thirty minutes. It stopped here, it picked up passengers, and then it continued on, like basically every other train that has ever existed.

“Let’s get a drink,” said the girl. She put her sunglasses on the table.

“It’s hot,” said the man.

“Let’s drink beer.”

“Dos cervezas,” said the man through the beads. “That’s ‘two beers’ in Spanish, “ he whispered to the girl.

“No shit. I took seven years of Spanish. Middle school through high school.”

“Right,” said the man.

The woman brought two glasses of beer. She put the glasses down. They were filled with the beer. The girl looked off at the hills.

“The hills look like almond milk,” she said.

“I’ve never had almond milk,” said the man.

“No, you wouldn’t have.”

“I might have,” said the man. “Just because you say I wouldn’t have doesn’t prove anything. I just haven’t needed to drink it because I haven’t declared myself allergic to everything, like everyone else these days. What’s so great about being allergic to everything anyway?”

The girl looked at the curtain. Another fly buzzed through the beads and into the bar. 

“They’ve painted something on it,” she said.

“Yes. It’s called an advertisement,” said the man. “People create them so other people will buy their pointless shit. Like almond milk.”

“What does it say?”

“It says, ‘Licorice’ in Spanish.”

“Could we try it?”

“Spanish licorice?”

The man called to the woman behind the counter for licorice. She brought the licorice.

“It tastes like licorice,” the girl said, and put the Spanish licorice down.

“That’s the way with everything,”

“Yes,” said the girl. “Everything tastes of licorice.” She stared at the stick of licorice in her hand. “You know, licorice is one of those words that when you say it over and over, it sounds like gibberish. Licorice. Gibberish is one of those words too, I guess. Gibberish. Licorice.”

“Oh, cut it out.”

“You started it,” said the girl. “I was being amused. I was having a fine time.”

“Well, let’s try and have a fine time.”

“All right. I was trying. I said the mountains look like almond milk. Wasn’t that bright?”

“Uh, yeah. That was ‘bright’,” said the man, air-quoting the word “bright” to imply that her statement was actually not bright at all.

The girl looked at the hills across the valley.

“They’re lovely hills,” she said. “They don’t really look like almond milk. I just meant the coloring of the hills in this light was like the color of almond milk.”

“No, I get it,” said the man. “I know what an analogy is.”

They drank the beer. The beer was in the glasses. The glasses were on the table. The table was in the station. The station was in Spain.

“It’s really an awful simple operation, babe,” said the man.

The girl looked at the ground the table legs rested on. The ground was also in Spain. One hundred percent Spanish ground.

“I know you wouldn’t mind it, babe. It’s really not anything. It’s all perfectly natural.”

“Then what will we do afterward?”

“We’ll be fine afterward. Afterward will be great!”

“What makes you think so?”

“That’s the only thing that bothers us. It’s the only thing that’s made us unhappy.”

The girl swatted at a fly. A Spanish fly. She wondered if a Spanish fly and an American fly could communicate, could understand one another’s buzzes.

“And you think then we’ll be all right and happy.”

“I know we will. You don’t have to be afraid. I’ve known lots of people that have done it.”

“So have I. And afterward they were all so ‘happy’,” said the girl, air-quoting the word happy to imply that actually they weren’t happy at all.

“Well,” the man said, “if you don’t want to you don’t have to. I wouldn’t have you do it if you didn’t want to. But I know it’s perfectly simple.”

“And you really want to?”

“Hell yeah.”

“And if I do it you’ll be happy and you’ll love me?”

“I love you now. You know I love you.”

“I know. But if I do it, then it will be nice again if I say things are like almond milk, and you’ll like it.”

“You know how I feel about almond milk. But yeah, basically.”

“If I do it you won’t ever worry?”

“I won’t. Because it’s perfectly simple.”

“Yeah I know,” said the girl. “You’ve mentioned that like three times.”

The girl stood up. She drained her beer glass and put it back down. She walked toward the bead curtain and peaked outside. She saw the river through the trees through the curtain, which she was peaking through, hoping not to get a Spanish fly in the eye.

“And we could have all this,” she said.

“What did you say? You’re talking out of the curtain.”

“I said we could have everything.”

“I still can’t hear you.”

“We can have everything.”

“I’m getting nothing. Just muffled sounds.”

“We can have the whole world.”

“Still nothing.”

“We can go everywhere.”

“What?”

“It’s ours.”

“Sure babe.”

The girl sat down at the table and then looked back at the licorice advertisement on the swaying beads.

“You’ve got to realize,” he said, “that I don’t want you to do it if you don’t want to. I just think all natural breasts implants would look fantastic on you.”

“Wait, what?” asked the girl.

“That’s what we were talking about, right? Breast implants?”

“Would you do something for me right now?”

“I’d do anything for you.”

“Would you please please please please please please stop talking?”

“What’s the problem?”

“I’m pregnant you jackass. I wasn’t talking about implants. I was talking about getting an abortion.”

The man gulped. This was a major revelation. “Oh boy,” he said.

The woman came out from behind the bar. “The train comes in five minutes,” she said.

“The train comes in five minutes,” he told the girl.

“I know how to speak elementary fucking Spanish,” she said.

The man drained his beer. “I’d better take the bags over to the other side of the station.”

He picked up the bags and carried them around to the other side of the tracks. He considered his options. He could just start running, and hide in the almond milky hills. He could fling himself in front of the train when it arrived. Or he could suck it up, like a hard-boiled character from a Hemingway story, and be a man about it. The downgrade from a boob job conversation that he thought was going rather well to an abortion conversation was immense, a tremendously tough pill to swallow, but, he thought, pregnancy will temporarily increase the girl’s breast size, so it’s almost like getting a boob job. He returned to the table.

“Do you feel better?” he asked.

“Are you kidding me? My boyfriend is a moron who thinks I have a flat chest and didn’t even know I was pregnant.”

The man thought for a moment. “That has to be like, one of the top five miscommunications of all time. Like, in the history of human life on Earth. It’s almost kind of funny when you think about it.”

The girl thought about it. It wasn’t funny.

They looked at the hills.

“You know, now that you mention it,” the man said, “if I squint just so, the hills do look kind of like almond milk.”

The girl laughed a little.

“Do you feel better?”

“I feel fine,” she said. “There’s nothing wrong with me. I feel fine.”

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Flashback Friday: Would Our Favorite '90s Flicks Survive in 2015?

As if! It’s been 20 years since everyone’s favorite material girl Cher (played by Alicia Silverstone) and her posse hit the big screen in “Clueless.” That’s right, the iconic film that brought us plaid outfits, Valley girl slang, and Paul Rudd is now two decades old. Feeling ancient yet? 

In honor of the film’s big birthday, the Writer’s Bone crew decided to reminisce about our favorite '90s flicks. We also ponder what would the movies we loved as children be like if they were made today?

Put on your slap bands, let your hair down from a scrunchie, hang up your Zack Morris phone, and read our roundup of 1990s nostalgia.—Stephanie Schaefer

Emili Vesilind: How about a remake of “Se7en” with Charlie Hunnam as Brad Pitt (for, um, selfish reasons), and Irrfan Khan as Morgan Freeman?? But we'd have to get Gwynnie to reprise her role because she still deserves to have her head in a box. Okay, maybe Zosia Mamet would be good, too—she has that skittish 20-something thing down!

Scored by Evan Dando of the late Lemonheads, who sung about Paltrow's head in a box in the '90s:

Daniel Ford: As Andy Dwyer said, “I'd like to remake the movie ‘Kazaam' with Shaquille O'Neal, where he plays a genie, and I'd like to get it right."

Sean Tuohy: I would remake “Ghost Dad” but make it gritty and hardcore. Damon Wayans' plays the Bill Cosby role and he is beaten to death and then thrown off a bridge by a Russian gangster. He then comes back as ghost and makes his children take out revenge on those who killed him.

...And somewhere along the way they all learn the importance of family...

Kevin Almonte: At the risk of sounding like an angsty millennial, the '90s were probably the best decade for movies.

You got the beginning of truly great indie films with Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs." "Jurassic Park" revolutionizing blockbusters. Comedy gold from the Coen Brothers' "The Big Lebowski" and "Fargo." The rebirth of gangster movies with "Goodfellas" starting the decade. Technically, " The Matrix" is a '90s movie, ushering in gritty sci fi.

I can go on all day.

Matt DiVenere: “The Sandlot” (1993) is an absolute classic, yet I quote the movies to my AAU baseball team (13-year-olds) and not one of them had ever heard of the movie! Blew my mind.

The movie itself would be quite interesting in today's society. Do people even swim at public pools anymore? But to include some type of technology angle to the script would probably be pretty cool. I think it would still hold up, and probably do pretty well as a kid’s movie. All we need is Kevin Costner to be in it and we're good to go.

Stephanie: Some of my favorite '90s movies are “10 Things I Hate About You,” “You’ve Got Mail,” and “While You Were Sleeping.”

So much has changed since “You’ve Got Mail” first came out in 1998—and I’m not just talking about Meg Ryan’s post-plastic surgery face. Today, Fox Books would have been put out of business by e-readers like Kindle. Joe and Kathleen would have met via Tinder, where I’m assuming their exchanges would have been quick and to-the-point and far less romantic.

“I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got swiped,” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Daniel: Would a movie like “Home Alone” get made today? Let's face it; Kevin's parents are historically awful. How do you forget your kid twice? And when you're taking life advice from a polka bandleader played by John Candy, you know you've hit bottom. Forget the Wet Bandits, these parents would get jail time or have their kids rightfully taken away. More likely, they would be given a television show on TLC called, "Loser Parents: How to Lose A Kid in 10 Days."

We also haven't had a good (bad) athlete-centric movie in a while. Lebron is in "Trainwreck" and Tom Brady is in "Ted," but no one has done a "Space Jam" or "Kazaam" like Michael Jordan and Shaq. Are athletes "too cool" to star in something that might get skewered on Twitter? Or is that no athlete other than Lebron has the kind of star power Jordan or Shaq did at the time?

That being said, who wouldn't watch a Bill Murray spin-off of "Space Jam" where he helps out alien basketball teams across the universe? I would hand over my money like this:

Matt: Um Ray Allen was/is/will always be Jesus Shuttlesworth.

With that being said, I think that the social impact of the sports world has changed and that is why we don't see a star athlete playing them self in a movie based in their own sport. Those '90s athletes transcended their sports. Now, with social media and every athlete thinking they can be a serious actor or comedian, society doesn't need them to be as prevalent as Shaq and MJ were.

Short answer is that the film industry doesn't need them to be the main star as a draw to their movie. Cameos and supporting roles are the better choice now a la Brady and LeBron. 

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